Jackson Free Press

Last week, Dr. S weighed in on the antics of American sports fans, pointing out that even the most unruly U.S. sports fan can't hold a candle to the soccer hooligans of Europe, particularly those in England. Aside from being hit by a falling goal post, doused with pepper spray, brained by an empty whiskey bottle, knocked down by an opposing team's assistant coach or choked by Bobby Knight, the out-of-control U.S. sports fan has little to fear. The English soccer fan runs the risk of being fatally beaten by opposing fans, arrested and thrown in a dungeon by police, or being crushed or trampled inside the arena by "friendly" fans.

Accompanying that item was a notice from police to visiting fans for an upcoming FA Cup game in which the authorities announced steps they were going to take to prevent trouble on game day. If nothing else, this notice demonstrated that p.r. puffery is alive and well in the UK, too. In the interest of coherence, Graham, our correspondent in England, provides this translation to let you know what authorities were REALLY saying to visiting fans:

POLICE NOTICE
A notice from Shropshire Police for the Shrewsbury v Barrow FA Cup game

Our primary consideration is the safety, well being, discomfort and unjustified harassment of Barrow supporters. This game will be all ticket for Barrow fans. There will be no ticket sales on the day and no cash turnstiles. Away fans who travel without a ticket will not get in because you're violent and
untrustworthy. Therefore we'll be stopping you all some distance from the ground and asking you to produce your ticket. If you haven't got one you won't be allowed anywhere near the ground. But Shrewsbury fans will be paying at the gate because we trust them. So when we said there are no cash turnstiles on the day, we lied. Shrewsbury's fans won't be subject to our stop and search policy and will not be hindered on their approach to the ground in any way whatsoever because they are all angels who wouldn't dream of hurting a fly, let alone doing something unspeakable to a supporter of the away team.

If you try to get in to the section of the ground reserved for home fans, we'll spot you because of your funny accents, the way you walk dragging your knuckles along the ground, your excessive body hair and the indisputable fact that northerners would never think of taking off their scarves to make sure they couldn't be identified as an away fan.

Barrow's supporters will not be allowed to leave the stadium until all the home fans have dispersed. This is because the sight of away fans might inflame the passions of the normally perfectly placid Shrewsbury fans. If it's raining we'll keep you in the stadium for twice as long as if it's dry, but in any event this shouldn't be longer than thirty-five minutes, which is the minimum time needed
to tuck up all the Shrewsbury fans in their beds.

Enjoy the game and remember, we can interfere with your civil liberties any time we like without any justification whatsoever. But if you're a burglar or a mugger, there'll be about 1000 empty houses in Barrow on Dec 7th.

Have a nice day!