Jackson Free Press

Dr. S was sad to see that Fester was MIA (marinated in alcohol) last week. But now he's back and he's foaming at the mouth, so let's go straight to our raving correspondent:

ENOUGH ALREADY: Enough of the whole Philadelphia thing - Andy Reid, Donovan McNabb, Allen Thuggerson, Larry Bowa, Sal Paolantonio, whatever the hell that is that the Eagles play on, their uniforms, Duce Staley, those five colleges that play for the city basketball championship Obviously it's historically and culturally significant to America, but as far as Philly sports - Get 'em outta here…..Fester's not normally one of the sensitivity freaks that make a living telling other people how not to offend, but the air raid sirens on ESPN's football coverage are preposterous. Get 'em outta here…..The local politico that tells me on his TV commercial what I like and don't like needs to quit cabling his advertising into the Fester den. Get 'im outta here…..The Democrat gun-control media weasels that continually reference the military connection hoping to link the alleged snipers to an evil America that created these monsters needs to start calling a spade a spade - call them Deranged Psycho Killers. Then again, that wouldn't serve the DNC headquarters well, would it? Get 'em outta here…..Everybody involved with that disgraceful, disgusting, disturbing, despicable Wellstone "memorial" service last week - Get 'em outta here…..In Boomer Berman lingo, one's an accident, two's a trend, and three's a problem. We only thought the attempted re-write of Florida and U.S. law during the Presidential election to suit the Democrats' needs was a one-time thing. They've now pulled similar stunts in New Jersey, Missouri, and now Minnesota in this Senate election. Get 'em outta here…..The sports media that's been fretting over all the what-if's concerning the BCS and all the undefeated teams at this juncture of the season, keep in mind, that it's only this juncture of the season. Relax, put down your university-funded grub, and take a deep breath. Everything will work out - generally speaking, it always does - and even if it doesn't, won't that serve the greater good by vividly demonstrating the need for a playoff? Get 'em outta here…..One word about Anna Nicole Smith and E! Entertainment Television. Why? Get all three of her asses outta here… Saw a news story this past week about a 56-year old French woman that was apparently peeved with being wanded at an American (?) airport and was arrested when she "allegedly" removed her sweater, blouse, and bra. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, had he been there, Fester would NOT have had to use the term "allegedly"…..Those ridiculous Tostitos Scoops commercials with several of the NBA old dogs schmoozing it up and then being told by Dominique Wilkins that this is my house, no really, this is my house and you gotta leave. What demographic are they looking to lasso with that campaign? Get 'em outta here…..Congrats, Bud Selig, yet more crumbling of the foundation of baseball under your watch. Now managers are playing the free agency game as much as the players are and for some unknown reason, Fester has a philosophical problem with players being involved in managerial transactions. Get 'em ALL outta here….. Mike Holmgren, the erstwhile NFL genius at Green Bay, has apparently lost a lot of smarts these past few years in Seattle. Four or five years into your regime is NOT the time to be bringing in Jeff George, for crying out loud Mike. Get 'im outta here….. All the local BR media that perpetrated their annual overhype of LSU are now in full retreat mode. Get 'em outta here…..That Notre Dame Ty Willingham Miracle Undefeated National Championship In His First Year thing dropped a 14-7 home decision to Boston College Saturday…..Get 'em outta here!!!