Jackson Free Press

In the wake of the current United States beef problem, the Lacto-Vegetarian Church International invites the public to attend an alternative nutrition, lifestyle and spiritual conference: "Something In The Meat Ain't Clean: Living the Non-Carnivorous Life." Hear the Rev. Bean Sprout of the Lacto-Vegetarian Church International deliver a profound, spiritual message titled "Soy Protein: The Fiber Of Our Lives." Listen to the Rev. Dr. Thomas Vegan III speak on the topic of "Prophetic Advertising: Cows Convince Masses To Eat More Chicken." Dr. Peanut of the George Washington Carver Holistic Health Commission of Tuskegee, Ala., will share information from his new book "Tofu as Soul Food.''

And Sir Winston, the Poet Laureate of the Greater Vegetarian Church of Nu Millennium, will recite an epic, organic poem entitled "What Now, Mad Cow!" from his latest book "Planting Words In Infertile Minds."

Finally, witness a roundtable discussion of a distinguished panel of lacto-vegetarians as they answer the question: If there is something wrong with the cow, what about the milk?

The conference also will have some very uplifting entertainment from the Lacto-Vegetarian Church Tabernacle Choir, the International Soy Bean Farmers Glee Club, and the Lacto-Vegetarian Church's resident rap artists D.J. Ranch Dressin' and the Fresh Salad Crew.

Please attend our alternative nutrition, lifestyle and spiritual conference. Veggie Burgers and organic refreshments will be served. For more info about the conference, call 1-800-Bad-Meat.

In the profound words of Mr. Mo'tel Williams, "The Pork-n-the-Pig and The Cow-n-the Meat might not be good for yawl to eat."

Ken Stiggers is a television producer in Jackson.