Jackson Free Press

I was recently visiting a couple in Fondren who have two delightful little daughters with whom I love to hang out. They're loud, proud, colorful, confident. The oldest came up to me and told me about the bedtime story her dad had been reading her about a bored princess who didn't want to take her prim princess lessons and preferred to go live with the dragons and have adventures. After telling me the story in some detail, my little 5-year-old girlfriend, the most chic little thing I know, looked at me and said, "You can borrow the book sometimes if you want."

I don't think nearly as much about being a woman as I used to. I'm like so many chicks today—especially those of us too young to remember the indignity of being brushed off as, say, a mere "chick" who couldn't drive, run a meeting or start a company, much less have an opinion worth expressing. Many of us take our equality and our opportunities, our choices for granted—even though we haven't had them that long. Much like people too young to remember the pain of the Civil Rights Movement, we believe equality is our unalienable right. It's there for us, so there's no need to fight for it, to talk about it, to be diligent. We've even "taken back" the language of past discrimination against women: Much to the chagrin of our hard-working forebabes, we proclaim ourselves "chicks," "grrls," "princesses" and, yes, "dames." (Dames?)

No doubt, all this taking back is a response to the stupid conservative backlash against feminism—the forbidden F-word of our time. Even back during the throes of the women's rights movement (remember when a woman couldn't get credit or a loan in her own name? Jill Conner Browne does. Ask her about it.), the whole "women's lib" thing was disparaged and misconstrued (of course) by folks who didn't want women to have rights and opportunity equal to men's. Most discrimination occurs (of course) when someone's power over other people and purse strings are threatened. This is to be expected.

Sadly, a lot of the rhetoric stuck. The Equal Rights Amendment was about unisex bathrooms, they squealed—no, actually it was about a legal standard to make it easier to win a gender discrimination case (and, hey, I used to pee in the men's room when I worked at the Palladium in NYC, and I turned out just fine). Abortion is about killing innocent children—no, it's about not bringing more unwanted children in the world, especially when you've been abandoned by the father and/or can't afford to feed them.

My personal favorite: Feminism is about hating men—no, it's about setting a standard for equality and treatment of women that intelligent, thinking men agree respect and agree with. Most feminists I know—men and women—only hate jerks, men or women. And as I've always liked to say: a jerk's a jerk, no matter what gender, race or other identifier it comes in.

And "Femi-Nazis"? Pure rhetoric and fear baiting. I've never met a Femi-Nazi in my life, although, for the record, I may have seen a commune of angry man-haters on Donahue years ago.

The truth is, sexism is still rampant; we just don't talk about it as much. Strong women know it better than anyone: we're called bitches (oh, that's a word I loved to take back) simply for speaking out about something. Good men, who aren't threatened by other people's equality, know it, too. I know, as does my partner Todd, that people will often react very differently to something I say as opposed to the same thing coming from a male mouth. I rather wear that as a badge of honor these days; I'm confident enough to simply roll my eyes at chauvinistic responses. But it's harder for young women who are trying to find their voices, especially in a state where loud women are frowned on even more than in some others. Many of us simply feel like we have to leave our home state just to be able to have opinions and make our own choices.

That's damned sad. It's also tragic, considering how badly this state can use each and every one of us: as activists, communicators, educators, businesswomen, healers, lawmakers, voters. I won't recite them here—we all know them by heart anyway—but nearly every indicator for women in this state is heart-breaking, from poverty to violence to job and educational opportunities.

But there's a secret: We girls can change this. We can get involved, we can get engaged, we can get loud, we can get mad. And, frankly, if a bunch of the wrong men are keeping the state on the bottom of the ladder, we have the numbers and the power to send their asses home, and replace them with men and women who know what needs to be done.

This takes all of us—not just women my age (42), or those who came before me. It means that we less-than-spring-chicks need to clear the way, and open the doors for, our little sistas, who are taking the reins at a scary and confusing time when many powers-that-be are trying to limit our rights. That is, young people believe they are equal, and thus have the right to do whatever they want, but that ugly old backlash is telling them to focus on finding a good man to take care of them and fast. Or not to be too loud because, you know, it's not ladylike. (Screw that, girlfriends. Let's simply re-define ladylike.) They're told that "feminism" is something ugly that it's not; it actually it comes in all shapes and fashions, including four-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos and tight mini-skirts and fire-red lipstick.

So consider this the permission you need to make your own damned choices. That's the real secret; "feminism" is simply the ability to make your own choices. Nothing more, nothing less. To have your own opinions. To decide when/if to get married (or have kids). Whether to stay home or have a jet-setting career. To dump a man (or woman) who doesn't respect you. To re-make yourself into a confident woman who demands the best from others, and to leave behind folks who drag you down. To choose to abstain from sex with pushy guys when you're young, to be strong, to say no. To know that love is much more than making out. (What the conservative "abstinence" crowd doesn't get is that stronger, more determined young women make better sexual choices, and have the courage to say "no." That means fewer unwanted children—and fewer abortions, legal or not.)

The real secret, girls: You will be happier if you speak up, take no sh*t, set up your own boundaries, make your own choices. Ultimately, it won't be about what your parents think, or your Aunt Johnnie Mae, or that guy who just wants to peek up your cheerleader skirt. It will be about you, and your own happiness and confidence in yourself. And that will be true whether or not you're in a long-term relationship. The other thing you're probably not told nearly often enough is that it is impossible to be in a good relationship if you do not like, or know, yourself. When you're young is the time to start getting to know yourself and what's important to you. Start making your own choices right now.

And if that means you want to live among the dragons, so be it.
Donna Ladd is editor of the JFP.

Previous Comments

ID

69286

Comment

Although I have nothing against dragons, I prefer to run with the wolves! :-) Donna, when did you work at the Palladium? Wonder if we ran into each other there? Hmmm.... The co-option of feminist lingo and ideals is a sad turn of events, especially since it's often spearheaded by women who've benefitted at every turn from the movement, for example, the "ladies" at the Independent Women's Forum. Appaarently, they don't believe in equal pay for equal work. Most of them, mind you, have never worked. They have nannies, gardners, cooks--excuse me: chefs--maids, valets, etc. Must be nice not to need to be treated equally.

Author

Nia

Date

2004-03-11T14:13:34-06:00

ID

69287

Comment

Nia, wolves are so 20th century. ;-) I cocktailed at the Palladium in the late '80s. I have stories. I hear you about the Independent Women's Forum. And honestly "ladies" isn't my favorite work to have taken back. My person favorite is "bitch," although I'm also a fact of "chick." (Obviously.)

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2004-03-11T15:56:36-06:00

ID

69288

Comment

I'll bet we did bump into each other at the Palladium. Re running with the wolves, I guess I'm out of touch--or just older than I like to admit! I reckon I'll have to go out and get myself some heat-resistant clothing. My little one is fond of dragons, too. It must be a fourth wave thing. :-) I wonder what today's young women will say/do if the right-wing has its way and some of the things they take for granted are suddenly taken away from them, like a protection of their right to earn the same money as their male counterparts for performing the same job? hat sounds like a good diea for a forum for young high school-age women.

Author

Nia

Date

2004-03-11T16:22:16-06:00

ID

69289

Comment

Or fifth wave. ;-) We may be further behind than we thought. Every young woman (and man) should read Margaret Atwood's "Handmaid's Tale" -- not see the movie, though. (Although I will watch Aidan Quinn in anything.) Did you work at Palladium or hang out there?

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2004-03-11T16:41:57-06:00

ID

69290

Comment

Yikes, fifth wave?! I guess you're right. I've lost count. I love that movie. Ben Kingley is in it, too, right? I'd watch him in anything. Along that same line, I've been meaning to read "The Red Tent," which is supposed to be very similar in tone adn approach to Handmaid's Tale. I hung out at the Palladium, probably more often than I should have. But it was a quick walk from the Limelgiht. If we couldn't get in at one, we'd try the other.

Author

Nia

Date

2004-03-11T17:49:19-06:00

ID

69291

Comment

All these palladium folks. Danceteria, anyone? (though that was early-mid eighties). Oh well. Good piece, Donna..

Author

mitch

Date

2004-03-11T20:28:45-06:00

ID

69292

Comment

Good editorial, but then again, I think this is one of the most important topics facing us as a society. Sexism is still rampant, and still institutionalized, all over the country. A friend of mine bought a minivan, and when it was time for the credit check, the sales rep asked her for her husband's information, so they could run the check on him. She had to tell him twice to run the credit check on her name, and that it would be okay. And I've been in too many meetings at work where men are heard and the women aren't. And so forth and so on. I don't take any of it for granted. Hell, our COO kept talking about salesmen at our last event - even though at least half of the top performers in the company are women. And, for my money, the word we need to take back is Feminist.

Author

kate

Date

2004-03-11T21:25:20-06:00

ID

69293

Comment

Agreed, Kate. We need to take back "feminist." I went to Danceteria a few times, too. Brings back memories! :-)

Author

Nia

Date

2004-03-11T21:52:22-06:00

ID

69294

Comment

I never gave up the word "feminist," in the first place, for the record. ;-) I went to Danceteria, Mitch, but by the time I was in NYC, it wasn't a big deal. Palladium was also past his uber-hip heyday by the time I worked, though -- although the Michael Todd room was still very hot. Those are where my stories are from. (And most of my celeb stories are from the tiny VIP lounge that you have to walk *through* the deejay booth to get through. There is where I discovered that I'm a full four inches taller than Rambo himself, Sylvester Stallone. And one time, I tried to get through the deejay booth with a tray of drinks past all of the Fat Boys at once. Anyway.) BTW, welcome to the JFP, Mitch. (All, Mitch's first JFP column is posted on the front page at the moment.)

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2004-03-12T15:29:54-06:00

ID

69295

Comment

I met Eddie Murphy at a Madonna party in the Michael Todd room. He made fun of me being from MS!

Author

Nia

Date

2004-03-12T16:17:50-06:00

ID

69296

Comment

Well, screw Mr. Murphy then, eh? That is funny. What years did you hang out at Palladium? Maybe I waited on you. I was a tough blonde chick in lots of spandex. The only one with a southern accent. ;-)

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2004-03-12T16:23:13-06:00

ID

69297

Comment

From about 1984 through 1990, off and on. I wasn't cool enough though to get into the star parties. The only time I got into those was when somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody managed to get all of their friends' friends invited.

Author

Nia

Date

2004-03-12T16:45:56-06:00