Jackson Free Press

Last year on New Year's, I made a resolution against resolutions. My logic for this decision was knowing that if I truly wanted to change something about myself, I could wake up some random Tuesday in March and make the same promise with the same results. I guess this gives a pretty good idea how well my resolutions have previously been integrated into my life. Yes, like hurricane relief in the Senate. Empty. Freaking. Promises.

So this year, I decided I was going to free you from calling the Psychic Friends Network the next 52 Friday nights of 2006 and create my own predictions. I previously asked if I could write a column espousing the New Year's resolutions of Jessica Simpson's magnificent boobies and was turned down. Because of that, I warn that these predictions are not going to be nearly as exciting as they could have been. So, you're stuck with Ali G's Magnificent 2006 Predictions For Those Of Us Who Know Too Much Random Entertainment and Political Trivia.

1) Jessica Simpson's boobs will be listed in her divorce decree as the main breadwinners in the family. As a result, Nick will receive one full boob's pay for the remainder of his MTV Given Life. (Didn't think I was gonna make it all the way through this without talking about them, did you?)

2) Cheney will find his heart somewhere in that undisclosed location. George Bush will never find his.

3)Exercising his newfound conscience, Cheney will nicely torture Bush under the watchful eye of Sen. John McCain until he relents on the whole "spying on Americans is, like, totally OK" thing. Condi Rice won't be in attendance for the torture, but when the press asks her about the horrible and undocumented event that will mostly likely happen in another country, she will say, "I completely and totally agree." Over and over and over again.

4) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby will be born and worshiped like the second coming of a chocolate-covered Christ. The Scientologists will implant special x-rays into his corneas that automatically force the onlooker to break into dance on large furniture and completely ruin a perfectly good career by being an #######. In doing so, they dominate the world and let John Travolta run it. It's Saturday night every day and boogie, boogie, boogie all the time.

5) Google will actually find some way for people to pop through the computer screen after doing a search on their name. They will also start a church, buy the Coca-Cola company, and own the searching rights to your soul and your mom.

6) Bill Gates, knowing he will never be able to top owning the whole world and being Time magazine's Person of the Year, will have a nervous breakdown. The moon will fall from the sky, and small furry animals will weep. There will be wringing of hands and great gnashing of money. Think I'm kidding? Read Revelations.

7) Britney Spears will get divorced. And married. And divorced. And pregnant. And married. And then, maybe she'll do a world tour where she dances naked and says it's a "kids" show simply because she has deigned to cover her nipple with one tiny, sparkling sequin and wrap a snake around her abdomen. (Britney, if you're reading this, I'm totally kidding. Seriously. I loved you in "Crossroads." Call me!)

8) That last guy who lives in Utah and hasn't seen Paris Hilton naked yet, will. The Seventh Seal will then be opened, and she will bring forth twin girl offspring who will torture my children, and my children's children with vapid mouth-breathing interviews, bad fashions, and the ruination of otherwise perfectly good, bad horror films.

9) Someone will offer to buy me a nose job. I will then have the surgery and realize it was true, all of life's problems do completely vanish with the old nose. I will never again feel badly about myself or have to pay taxes. I will be featured on a new reality show named "Look, I Cut Off My Face And Feel Much Better Now."

10) Someone will finally get Michael Jackson to stop touching children. It won't be Jermaine or Jesse. It quite possibly could be a few people from Bahrain with dull butterknives.

I know that I can be fairly optimistic at times, but I feel the above list is a good start. I find most of the time real life tends to exceed anything I could ever imagine, so I thought I would shoot high. As far as reliability goes, I can't truly claim any of these will actually come to pass. But wouldn't 2006 be a hell of a lot more fun if we lived in a world where they did?

Previous Commentsshow

Love the predictions, Ali! I just have two questions: Are you single, and do you like older men? Oh, and one more: Why does that sound creepy?

Poetdoc

Dec 30 2005

Because that IS creepy. Yes, as of yesterday afternoon, I AM single. Hooray for me!!! Bring on the geriatrics!! ;)

Lori G

Dec 30 2005

Damnit. Now I'm a creep. I just knew it! Get off the Metamucil for one week, and this is what happens! :)

Poetdoc

Dec 30 2005

Happy New Year, folks! Poetdoc, I always thought you were a regular guy. :P Cheers, TH

Tom Head

Jan 1 2006

What is old? What's the age group for that? I used to think 40 was old until I got there. Now that I'm headed too fast toward 50 that doesn't look old anymore. Experience has taught me that anything a young man can do, a not-so-young man can do it just as good or better, excepting, of course, major leagus sports or something else requiring youthful bronze and lack of experience. A middle-aged to old man has figured out that brains and learned experiences can make up for wasted youthful energy. As medicines have gotten better middle-aged men and old men are now the greatest thing the world has seen. Even better you waon't have to search the world over to find us. We'll be at the house if we can make it to the house. Look at Barry Bond - better than ever due to a little steroids. Look at Rapheal Palmero with steroids and Viagra - he was hitting home runs in every park until that Congress thing. You will be alright Poetdoc! Go for it! We're counting on you to help write our story, just in case the rest of us finally get there. As you succeed Poetdoc, the popularity of the not-so-young will grow.

Ray Carter

Jan 3 2006

Older men are it! (don't tell anyone I'm an older woman, though). I can tell you one thing older women are not better at - walking after going to see Shirley Brown (all that dancing is hell on the knees).

C.W.

Jan 3 2006

Good to hear from you, C.W. I have no problems at all with older women, either. Those young women will surely make you look at them, but all too many of them are as crazy as a betsy-bug, whatever the heck that means or is. I went to the Essence Festival in New Orleans one time with the clear intention of not noticing or paying those young women any attention. I succeeded only 2 or 3 seconds. What really tilted the scales for me on young women was an incident where I saw a young female college student beat up her boyfriend, a college teacher who was married to someone else, for cheating on her with another student. I was a teacher too and had an office next door to the embattled teacher. I tried to ignore the incident but the teacher was hollering so loudly for help I had to intervene. It was better than the movie, "Fatal Attraction." I and two other teachers finally stopped it. I eventually commented after we stopped the massacre, " that girl should be forced to wear a sign on her back saying yes I'm beautiful but I'm also crazy." If you young women don't like what I've just said then do something about it! Smile. Good job, Ali.

Ray Carter

Jan 3 2006

Giggle: The phrase "as crazy as a betsy-bug" has just officially entered my venacular. ;-)

DonnaLadd

Jan 3 2006

Okay guys. Calm down and form a single file line to the left. Please type up your resumes, have them available in triplicate, and staple your favorite pet to the cover letter. I will be accepting applications between 2:42pm and 2:44pm on Thursday the 12th of December. I do not age discriminate. But, I do ass hole discriminate.

Lori G

Jan 3 2006

Crap. I meant January.

Lori G

Jan 3 2006

Ali, you promised me I was your Buddha... What's with all the flirtation? And in public no less!

kaust

Jan 3 2006

Knol, you will always be my buddha. I've also laid out my prerequisites for the foundation of our future beautiful relationship. They are 1) Knol must switch teams. I think that just about covers it. :P

Lori G

Jan 3 2006

The subliminal two minutes comment apply to youngsters only. Dave Chapelle said he wish he was 1 minute. He'd spend the rest of the time on coming up with jokes. Th a**hole comment will wipe out completely the young men. Welcome to Enlightenment, Ali. You will soon learn what you've been missing, and you shall never return. I promise you that!

Ray Carter

Jan 3 2006

Ali, I'm surprised you missed predicting this. If the hunt for an older man or a switch-hitter doesn't prove successful, there's always Flipper. ;-)

kaust

Jan 3 2006

Christ, you're kidding me. I do like fish. Okay, okay...sorry, MAMMALS. At least its a MAMMAL.

Lori G

Jan 3 2006

But if Flipper really is "faster than lightning," that's going to be one disappointed woman. (Knol, wouldn't worry about the political fallout from this, at least from sane people. Folks have been "marrying" their dogs, livestock, etc. for centuries. I can probably find citations for this if Greggo, et. al. are dim enough to use this as an actual argument.) Cheers, TH

Tom Head

Jan 3 2006

Tom, et al, y'all know I ain't the kind to start any trouble or argument; but if I didn't know better, I would think women are jealous of our speed. Yes, I know it's now disguised as a shortcoming (or the opposite) on our part. If they had the speed instead of us, I bet it wouldn't be such a big problem for them. I think we (males) should all throw off the years of guilt and irresponsible blame right now. All we have to say is I will not be blamed for other's lack of speed. Then say I'm too blessed to be stressed.

Ray Carter

Jan 3 2006

I have to post this if ONLY for the inanity of it. Tom posts "I can probably find citations for this if Greggo, et. al. are dim enough to use this as an actual argument" And I think "Wow, look I'm an Eggo. That looks cool." Then I realized that had nothing to do with me. For, I am not an Eggo. I'm a Nihilistic Death Slut. Thank The Baby Jesus. I would MUCH rather be a Nihilistic Death Slut than a frozen waffler. And, No, there have been no illegal, or legal for that matter, substances consumed so far today.

Lori G

Jan 3 2006

Ladd, the filter is taking out the word "s l u t" again. Can we propose that it filters out the word "s l u t" ONLY when we aren't referring to ourselves? ;)

Lori G

Jan 3 2006

Well, Ali, sounds like it's about time for some gin. ;-)

kaust

Jan 3 2006

EEK! Different Greggo, Ali, I swear. I was thinking, actually, of the guy who called you a "nihilistic death slut"... Cheers, TH

Tom Head

Jan 3 2006

Yuck, let me guess. You're not referreing to a certain North Jackson Web thug, are you? Enough about him. Really. Gross. I don't even know what a "nihilistic death s l u t" would be. That sounds like something a snot-nosed sixth-grader would call you right before shooting spitballs in your hair. Chortle. That's a good idea about the filter, Ali. We need a more intelligent and adoring filter that knows how to treat us JFP chicks like the ladies we are. ;-D

DonnaLadd

Jan 3 2006