Jackson Free Press

It's time for those interesting profiles from Float On Personals, brought to you by the law office of Cootie McBride and the L.M.H.F.D. National Bank.

Boneqweesha: "I'm a beautician, on-the-scene reporter and college student with two kids and a part-time job. I need a man who is a go-gettah. You know, a man who will quit lounging around my house and go get a job to help me pay these bills before G.W. sends him to Iraq. Good credit is a plus. Holla at a sista!"

Philmo: "I'm unemployed. I've worked for a corporation that outsourced my job and laid me off. I need a woman who has some connections and will help me return to the corporate work force. Hey, let's carpool to work together. Give me a call! I need a job!"

Bruh Jo-Jo: "I'm a Libra who owns a business. I need a woman who will become my business partner. As a couple we will stock shelves, conduct store inventory, work the cash register, help customers and make extra money during the holidays. No experience required. I know it seems like work, but check out this benefit: my special lady gets a 70 percent discount on any item purchased at Jo-Jo's Discount Dollar Store."

Let Float On Personals help you find that special someone in these troubled economic times. Your journey to love and happiness is just a phone call away at 1-800-FLOAT-ON.

Ken Stiggers is a television producer in Jackson and the co-host of The Lyric Lounge Thursday nights at Santiago's.

Previous Comments

ID

70367

Comment

I've given up on personals. I just feel like the guys just want someone who will "put out", but I don't play that. I'm tired of profiles like some guy pictured in a Speedo, calls himself Sexual Chocolate, and declares that he will rock my world. Man, go put some pants on!

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2005-07-20T20:44:25-06:00

ID

70368

Comment

Billy: I just wish there were some way to tell if women are attracted to me. Officer Miller: Well, Billy, humans are unlucky in that department. You see, in the rest of the animal kingdom, the female gives off very clear signals that she's in estress and eager to rut with any available male. It might be a scent, or a particular call, or, in the case of the chukma baboon, the female genitalia becames flared and swollen! It looks like a big, red catcher's mitt. Unfortunately, humans have to wear clothes. So, any display of swelling or discoloration is hidden. Billy: Oh.. I see.. Officer Miller: So, the human female has to be a little more subtle. She might show her approval with a smile, or a gesture, or the way she moves her hips when she walks. Turning a means of locomotion into the act of trolling for our attention. Do you know what a "tease" is, Billy? Billy: I think.. Sherry O'Donnell? Officer Miller: Exactly. And there are millions just like her. [ chuckles ] You know, society is funny. A man's not supposed to notice or say anything, he's just supposed to stand there with a big smile on his face. Stand there, in his thick, scratchy, blue uniform. Maybe he forgot to wear his t-shirt that day, and his nipples are on fire! Because they've been rubbed raw against the stiff wool- Billy: [ jumps up quickly ] Well, I gotta go play ball, Officer Miller- Officer Miller: Hey, hey! Not so fast, Billy! Let me ask you - what kind of gal are you looking for? Billy: Ohh.. somebody nice.. soomebody kind.. somebody who will love me for myself. Officer Miller: [ laughs uproariously ] Oh, Billy. Do you remember the song, "I Want A Girl Just Like The Girl Who Married Dear Old Dad"? Billy: [ shakes head ] No. Officer Miller: Well, it's an old song. Billy: What do you look for in a woman? Officer Miller: Well, my mother abandoned me when I was three years old, so.. I look for women who will love me for a little while, and then go away. You know, Billy, I feel the best kind of woman is the one who's guaranteed to someday not be there. Billy: Okay.

Author

Count No Account

Date

2005-07-21T11:20:59-06:00

ID

70369

Comment

You will find the right one eventually, L.W.. My wife snatched me up in my sophmore and her freshman year at Tougaloo. We got married five years later. I was scared to death to get married because my daddy and brothers were notorious womanizers. A girlfriend even killed my oldest brother. I asked my mother if she thought I could make a devoted husband and she said "nall, your daddy ain't no good, your brothers ain't no good, and you won't be any good either." That was my last time asking her for advice. I stepped out on faith and, now, have been married for 25 years.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-07-21T12:06:21-06:00

ID

70370

Comment

I dunno. Personals or the bar scene... My luck runs about the same either way.

Author

Johann

Date

2005-07-21T12:10:36-06:00

ID

70371

Comment

Wrong link. Was supposed to be this one. But then... in a wierd way, that one works too...

Author

Johann

Date

2005-07-21T12:12:38-06:00

ID

70372

Comment

Johann, you will find the right person, too. You and L.W. ain't looking for Denzel Washington or Tom Cruise, are you? They're few and far in between. How about my 29 year old son? As I see it, his only problems are that he's too lazy to work, believes he's too much man for one woman, and he won't take care of his three children. Do y'all have the skills and patience to convert a pathetic individual like this?

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-07-21T12:33:56-06:00

ID

70373

Comment

Ow, Ray, are you trying to turn Johann and LW into confirmed bachelorettes?

Author

Steph

Date

2005-07-21T12:55:35-06:00

ID

70374

Comment

No, Steph, I'm not trying to comfirm that. I'm simply hopeful I will live long enough to see the boy metamorphosed. I'm willing to pay the woman who can do this. I figure it would be cheaper to pay for this conversion than to support all his children. I used to tell him he was too sorry to even give us any grandchilren. Three grandchildren (a set of twins and one other child, born only a month apart) suddenly appeared and I hear a fourth is on the way. I think I should tell him, when God said go ye therefore and multiply, he was talking to the world, not just him. I should tell him, also, I don't want any more grandchildren. Irrespective of the foregoing, children are a blessing from God (until they start talking back and being hardheaded). If you know any takers, let me know.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-07-21T13:27:46-06:00

ID

70375

Comment

I have 3 step-children myself, Ray (a set of twin boys age 5 and a 8 yr old girl). I've gotten him straight with the courts and support. My conversion seems to be going well - for now.

Author

Steph

Date

2005-07-21T13:55:27-06:00

ID

70376

Comment

Now...if I could just convince the moms to let him SEE the children he is supporting, that'd be great. (They live out of state)

Author

Steph

Date

2005-07-21T13:58:44-06:00

ID

70377

Comment

Steph, your story gives me hope. At least my son keeps my friends and me amused. Oh yea, we won't let him live with us although he has asked many times. Why can't your son/step-son petition the court for visitation rights if he's now paying child support? A judge will usually grant this unless he fears it's not in the best interest of the child. There is often a problem with this when the parents can't get along and child support had to be forced. I realize the mother may get a lawyer to fight against giving visitation rights to an out of state parent, and I worry a judge will be predisposed to go along with her. A cheaper route would be to befriend the mother and get visitation rights. For reasons not really clear to me, the mother of the twins loves us. I think it might be because she thinks we can assure stability for the children. I can get them any weekend during the school year and for any number of weeks during the summer. I wish you luck with your situation.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-07-21T14:32:06-06:00

ID

70378

Comment

Uh...Thanks for all the concern but it's JOHANN not Joan or JoAnn. I'm looking more for the ...uh... Penelope-not-Tom Cruise-types. No grudges though.

Author

Johann

Date

2005-07-22T11:50:55-06:00

ID

70379

Comment

Johann, I thought you were a guy! Anyway, my dilemma has more to do with finding someone that has the same religious and cultural beliefs as I do. I accepted the fact that what I am looking for may be difficult to find, and I intend to be content regardless of my marital status.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2005-07-22T15:35:45-06:00

ID

70380

Comment

Right on, LW. Too many women give in to the notion that they must have a husband to complete themselves. I was among those, but it led me to an unhappy union and ultimately divorce.

Author

Steph

Date

2005-07-22T16:08:17-06:00

ID

70381

Comment

Thanks, Steph. There aren't too many successful relationships in my family. I don't think I have an aunt or uncle who has not gotten a divorce at least once. Regarding marriage, if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. If it does, I want to make sure I know what in the world I'm doing before I walk down the aisle. I don't have a lot of good examples to go by.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2005-07-22T16:17:01-06:00

ID

70382

Comment

Don't be dismayed L.W. by the family trend, you can be the first one to have a successful relationship. Of 13 children (my being the 3rd one), all of which is now adults, I was the first one to finish high school, first one to go to college, first one to marry, and the only one to get a post-graduate degree. Only one sibling since me has gotten married and no one else has finished college although 2 other ones went for a while. Of 7 boys I have been he only one to marry. My brothers say marriage isn't for them. Once you find a good and responsible human being you will just have to step out on faith. I lucked out and found the right person early on.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2005-07-25T09:58:57-06:00

ID

70383

Comment

Interesting responses! Thanks so much for reading and responding to my humorous yet serious look at love personals. Peace, love and universal understanding.

Author

Stiggers

Date

2005-07-25T12:23:47-06:00

ID

70384

Comment

No Ken - thank you for these awesome and thought provoking articles!

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2005-07-26T22:00:06-06:00

ID

70385

Comment

Thanks, Ray. My older sister tried, but she's separated now. However, my younger sister has been hanging in there for six years. Hey, who knows?

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2005-07-26T22:19:20-06:00