Jackson Free Press

My friend Cowboy and I watched "Hitch" by accident, which is OK because I burned some calories laughing, but I honestly thought it was going to be a boy movie, along the lines of "Lethal Weapon." Nope. I made Cowboy see a chick flick. Oops.

The movie is based upon the character Hitch who has made a career of getting the guy the girl, but not in that "How to Seduce a Woman" way that floods our e-mail inboxes. In fact, Hitch believes in love, in happy ever after, and I personally invite him to teach all the men in the world how to execute the first kiss. Swoon.

So before we are out of the parking lot, Cowboy starts the "Do you believe in love?" questions that he is apt to throw out. "Do you think that having someone initiate the relationship is interfering with fate?" "Have you ever been in love like that?" You see, Cowboy can talk love all the live-long day, but when he gets within spitting distance of the real thing, he has panic attacks. He is the typical commitment-phobe.

So I give him my new-found theory on chick flicks: Chick flicks are pornography for women.

Seriously. They set unrealistic expectations. Of course, I would love to believe that there is a man out there who can sweep me off my feet in a whirlwind romance that will eventually lead to a healthy, long-term relationship. And there are men who love to believe that there are big-boobed virgin-sluts all over the place who just can't wait to pounce them in an elevator.

Not realistic.

When is the last time you've gotten an introductory statement that you knew full well was going to lead to something bigger? Personally, the closest I've gotten lately involve expletives and excuses, such as "You are one pretty motherf****r" and "Since I'm not drunk, yet, do you want to do something tonight?" Not to mention, "Psssssssttttttt!" I still don't get that. Is that technique working? When I hear "pppssssstttt," I personally want to fly-swat something.

Hitch could have turned "Show me your hooters!" into, "Excuse me, aren't you that chick columnist? I love your humor, and I find your unusual perspective on everyday events very refreshing. I noticed you are not wearing diamond earrings, so I went ahead and picked some up for you." Now THAT would work. Is it going to happen? Probably not.

Chick flicks simply breed cynicism. Take these chick flicks for example:

"Jerry McGuire"

While this is my personal favorite simply for the "kwan," let's get real for a moment. You complete me? Please. Do we really want the responsibility of completing someone? I for one am having a hard time completing my tax returns, much less being held accountable for someone's soul.

"Sleepless in Seattle"

They meet on the Empire State Building and immediately fall in never-ending love without answers to essential questions such as: "Are you spiritual?" and "Do you have a doll collection?" Plus, poor Noah! How unfair is it to involve such an impressionable child in grown-up decisions? If I let Monkey choose men, I would be dating Dragonball Z.

"Reality Bites"

Extremely intelligent and driven chick falls for the scuzzy unemployed artist type who can offer no future commitment. Fine. I'm going to let this one slide as realism, with the exception of the witty banter and literary allusions. As Troy says, "I might do mean things and hurt you and I might run away without your permission and you might hate me forever and I know that scares the sh*t out of you because I'm the only real thing you have."

You're preaching to the choir, Troy.

We need to remember the words of William Shakespeare (creator of the chick flick in case you didn't know), "Everything that grows holds in perfection but a little moment." We need to get real. If we are going to believe in love at first sight, we also need to make sure we are going to have a person of substance with us when the serotonin wears off. While men wear "beer goggles," we can wear "romance goggles."

And you guys need to remember that those boobs are silicone, those thighs are airbrushed and if you are looking to pornography for sexual expertise, you are going to end up with one unsatisfied woman.

Just in case you didn't know.