Jackson Free Press

"Yes, ma'am." "No, ma'am." "Ma'am this, ma'am that." If there is anything I absolutely despise, it is the tendency of people in my home state to call me "ma'am." I spend much of my early interactions with my new interns—and even sometimes with writers who are older than I am, or at least look and act older—trying to get them to stop using the M-word around me.

I despise it. You might think that I hate this four-letter word because it makes me feel old. Not exactly. It just makes me feel uninspired. Boring. Improperly revered. Even disrespected—at least for what I actually am. I'm proud of my age—I've earned every year of it, and I'm smarter than I used to be. I never hide my age (43); I mention it all the time. But I sure don't need to be labeled with some hokey-ass moniker for old folk that I didn't ask for.

I'm serious about this: It is a rule around the office that I do not want to be called "ma'am." And I'm pretty sure that none of the men here want to be called "sir," either. But I could be wrong; ask them.

I'm always amused at the process of getting people to stop using the dirty word, though. There's a lot of, "Yes, Ma'am, I mean Donna." But that's OK—it means they're thinking about it.

But I don't want them just thinking that I'm an eccentric editor who's paranoid about being old. I want them to really understand what this is about. And that is: I don't want people, including young ones, to assume anything about me. I want to earn their respect. Or not. I want us on equal footing, at least as human beings, even if I'm their boss.

And I hate the idea that someone should be respected just because they're older. What? We're going to call octogenarian Edgar Ray Killen "sir"? I don't think so.

I don't think this "ma'am" thing would bother me so much if it weren't for two facts, though. First, that so many of the older folk who think they deserve automatic respect do not deserve respect from young people. I'm talking about "adults" who've ignored training-school abuses of juveniles for years in Mississippi, who support nonsensical zero-tolerance policies, who do not believe minors have constitutional rights (they do), who want juveniles prosecuted as adults, who want them tested to death in public schools. Why in hell would a young person address someone like that with a label of respect? Respect should be earned.

Take the mayor of Florence who recently said that their kids in the 'burbs shouldn't be treated as shabbily by police as our kids here in the inner city. I'd be hard-pressed to ever call that man "sir."

The other reason I abhor the ma'am thing is because too often a young Mississippi woman with a tiny, scared voice is so busy saying "yes, ma'am," "yes, ma'am," "yes, ma'am" to me that she is not listening or thinking about what I am saying. She hasn't found her voice, yet. She's been trained to be so busy worrying about what other people think that she is not speaking her mind. She is not voicing her opinion. She is afraid to go against the grain, or her parents, or her boyfriend. Hell, she's afraid to just put a deep breath behind what she's saying so the rest of us can hear her.

She needs to speak up, and fast, and loud. That doesn't mean she should be obnoxious or disrespectful, but if you hadn't noticed, someone who says "sir" and "ma'am" all the time can be damn disrespectful of your time or your intelligence.

Of course, when young women start speaking up, people start getting uncomfortable. Too often, we chicks start out as little sassy girls ready to conquer the world, climb trees and abuse our Barbies, but then lose our voices the second we hit puberty and start obsessing over what boys and "they" think of us. Then, too often, we don't find our voice again until after a whole helluva lot of mistakes, early pregnancies and bad marriages. Maybe even through sexual abuse of ourselves and our children, harassment at work, violence at home. Some women never find their voices, and that's the saddest part.

Fortunately, though, as we see this week in Jackson, many women do find them, or didn't lose them in the first place. They are loud, proud and don't care what anyone thinks of their efforts to express themselves. At least for one weekend, they break out, gussy up, party down, dance in the streets, drink until dawn. That's my favorite part of the whole Sweet Potato Queen phenomenon that my friend Jill Conner Browne started: these women are ready to express themselves, and how. At least for one weekend of the year.

I've been an Official Wannabe for four years now. Jill first invited me to join the party not long after I burrowed into a comfy sofa at Nicks over "revirginators" and interviewed her about all sorts of stuff, including bad marriages, jerk men, caring for children and aging parents, and why we all have to be feminists. I didn't join up because I was looking for my voice; I was fortunate enough to find mine back at Neshoba Central in the '70s when I went to school braless wearing my Ms. T-shirt, spoke up for the Equal Rights Amendment against folks who wrongly used the Bible as a weapon against equality, and debated endlessly with teachers and students alike. And I managed to be pretty popular anyway.

No, I joined Jill's gang because I want to hear these voices up close. Even as I can be a grouch by the end of the parade festivities due to all the loud madness, I love seeing it unfold and watching the uncensored abandon that these thousands of women share. Truth is, all these pilgramesses wouldn't need Jill's books and her parade and her invitations to visit Mississippi Mecca if our culture had told them all these years that it was OK for them to be loud and even a bit obnoxious, just like their men.

My hope is that our visitors this week, and the young Mississippi women watching along the parade route, will take something away from the parade other than a hangover and good pictures: It is time to speak up, to demand what you want, to talk back.

No matter where you live and every single day ... be heard, girlfriends.

See http://www.jacksonfreepress.com for parade galleries.

Previous Comments

ID

69734

Comment

My immeadiate response since April 14th, 2000, when someone calls me Mr. Underwood, is; "Mr. Underwood is in heaven with Mom, I'm Al." Goes right along with the being called "sir" in relation to your feelings about "ma'am." Something has changed, though. My wife pinches me when I get overdone about these words of respect. She tells me to let it go. Like when I hear other things that get under my skin, reminding me of what I've learned in a twelve step program...and guess what! When I follow this "letting go" stuff, my personal serenity increases! Amazing!

Author

Al

Date

2005-03-17T07:08:51-06:00

ID

69735

Comment

Being from Neshoba County also, I always make it a point to read Donnas' article. Webster defines ma'am as Madam. Madam is used as a courtesy title in addressing a woman. Respect is not mentioned. I'm glad this paper is free.

Author

Jimg

Date

2005-03-17T16:16:56-06:00

ID

69736

Comment

That's not the only definition, Jim. It's wide enough to apply to women who own brothels as well. ;-) Note that American Heritage acknowledges outright that "madam" is archaic; therefore, so would be ma'am, the abbreviation of it. Mad?am †† † Used formerly as a courtesy title before a woman's given name but now used only before a surname or title indicating rank or office: Madam Ambassador. Used as a salutation in a letter: Dear Madam or Sir. madam Used as a form of polite address for a woman: Right this way, madam. madam The mistress of a household. madam A woman who manages a brothel. See Usage Note at mistress. Source: The American HeritageÆ Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-17T16:28:27-06:00

ID

69737

Comment

Oh, and you're welcome on the free part! It's our pleasure. ;-) A little secret: all newspapers will be free (to readers) within a decade if that long. The Internet has changed everything. In many cities, dailies are already beginning to distribute for free. Newspapers have never made money off circulation, anyway; it's about advertising. And it's easy for your circulation and readership to be audited; ours is.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-17T16:33:57-06:00

ID

69738

Comment

Ma'am doesn't bother me at all. It's a bit like saying "yes, please" instead of "yeah" when someone, for example, offers a glass of water. One of those things that says that you're paying attention to your language because you're paying attention to the people around you. I also tend to associate "Madame" with the French pronunciation, rather than the brothel. I like that in France women move from "Madamoiselle" to "Madame" without it necessarily being attached to marital status. But, whatever. At least we all now know an easy way to irritate the heck out of Donna whenever we want to.

Author

kate

Date

2005-03-17T16:51:11-06:00

ID

69739

Comment

My point might be slipping past you, Kate. I don't get bent out of shape every time someone just says "ma'am" -- it's the common tendency of so many young people here (I'm not sure at what point they magically quit) to say "ma'am" about every other word while I'm trying to have a basic adult conversation with them. It's as if they aren't listening because they're so obsessed with the fact that I'm older. I believe our OVER-emphasis on these courtesy titles gets in the way of good and equal communication. For instance, I find that I have much better communication with younger people who do not use those words constantly -- they're listening and participating in the discussion, typically, as equals. And being that a big part of my concern is to draw younger people into conversations, I believe this is a very important point. And it's much different from saying "please" and "thank you," which I'm all over. Love those words and use them all the time -- to people of all ages. No need to discriminate with them.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-17T17:19:46-06:00

ID

69740

Comment

Now Kate, why would anyone want to irritate Donna???? I don't don't know about these French pronunciations, but what I do know if I didn't say ma'am when I was suppposed to, it didn't sit very well with Mom! (And being brought up that way has served me far better than not!)

Author

Al

Date

2005-03-17T17:21:36-06:00

ID

69741

Comment

I agree with you TOTALLY Donna...me and friends were recently speaking about how "archaic" the word Ma'am is. I really hate the term...it personally reminds me of the "segregated" south. Thanks! for this very well written article!

Author

vern

Date

2005-03-17T17:22:33-06:00

ID

69742

Comment

I feel very fortunate that my mother never forced me to use "ma'am" and "sir" with every adult. She did teach me to be respectful, though. Not necessarily one and the same. She and I had a wonderful relationship that was based on a sense of equality. She always encouraged me to have strong opinions and speak up about what was on my mind. That has served me well. She's my hero. She was also the hero of many of my friends who could not talk to their own parents about their problems because they were too afraid to bring things up with them. "Miss Katie" was there for them, too. And she expect them to call her "ma'am," either. Some did, some didn't -- although I don't remember anyone around me using those monikers in as obsessive of a way as I hear young people these days. When I first moved back to Mississippi, I had a hard time having good conversations with my very smart teen niece and nephew. "Yes, ma'am, yes ma'am, yes ma'am." But once I made it clear that I wanted to communicate with them one on one rather than from on high, we communicated so much better, and now they're both great friends. I truly believe that removing those artificial language barriers helps communication with young people -- and that's sorely needed in today's world.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-17T17:27:09-06:00

ID

69743

Comment

Interesting that you bring that up, vern. That may well be another reason I don't like "ma'am" and "sir." I've done a little too much reading about how in the not-so-old South, whites were "ma'am" and "sir," and blacks were "boy" and "girl." I wasn't thinking about that when I wrote the piece, but I certainly have thought it about it a lot, so it's likely that's it's part of my disdain. Also, the word "madame" is supposed to be for a married woman. And I've never been married, and don't think that people should assume that you're married -- and I'm not a fan of the courtesy titles for women that brand you with your marital status. This, if I find "Mrs." and "Miss" silly in the 21st century, it follows that "Ma'am" would be just as outdated.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-17T17:31:42-06:00

ID

69744

Comment

In those situations, 'yes, ma'am' often feels like a placeholder for 'um', at least to me, as brains adjust to be addressed as a human being by some old lady. I just never viewed 'ma'am' as anything more than a trivial courtesy, even in my youth. But I've always gotten into trouble for not offering respect to people who seemed to think they deserved it, for whatever reason. Which just goes to show, I'm generally oblivious on the topic, so I should clearly just shut up now. Excuse me, ma'am.

Author

kate

Date

2005-03-17T17:33:09-06:00

ID

69745

Comment

Donna, in France, "Madame" actually applies to a woman of a certain age, married or not. Though they did teach us in school that "Madame" means you're married.

Author

kate

Date

2005-03-17T17:35:22-06:00

ID

69746

Comment

Yes ma'am, you're excused, and excuse me ma'am, I've more work to do...

Author

Al

Date

2005-03-17T17:35:52-06:00

ID

69747

Comment

;-D I see your point, Kate, but you know that I communicate with younger people (teens, 20s) pretty well, and I can say without hesitation that it's easier to talk when I ask them to lose that placeholder crap. And I'm a whole lot more interested in hearing what's really on their minds than them being all worried about how they're addressing me. Maybe that's just me, but I do feel strongly about it because I see how much better communication works without it.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-17T17:38:38-06:00

ID

69748

Comment

What is that "certain age"?

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-17T17:39:29-06:00

ID

69749

Comment

"Certain age" is kind of a sliding scale. Seems to be anything older than 25, for sure. Younger than that, I don't know, since I don't work with anyone much younger who travels frequently. But it's so nice to check in to hotels, for instance, and be "Madame McNeel" rather than Miss/Mrs/Ms. And there's just something about they way they say it, that makes it sound like you're this sophisticated, fabulous person, far more interesting than any mere "Madamoiselle" could ever be. And, I think my percpeption of Ma'am is colored by the fact that I was never forced into saying, either, and then fled the state at age 15, not to return again until I was pushing 40. So, I missed out on some of that 'training.'

Author

kate

Date

2005-03-17T18:25:24-06:00

ID

69750

Comment

I've attempted to teach my son m'am and sir, but it's just not sticking. Maybe he is more enlightened than I ;) I do think it's important in a southern culture for him to form the habit just for casual communication, but at the same time, it's important for him to have a strong sense of self and values to know when he is being compromised. Ask anyone. He's an eight year old who is not scared to point out a character flaw. Example: "Mommy, we don't say shut up." I would hope I would have the same attitude with a daughter. But I totally agree with Donna on the blind respect thing. I am absolutely aggravated by anyone I'm speaking to who just repsonds "yes m'am...yes m'am...." Then I know they are not listening. And the m'am totally backfired when I was a teacher. "Yes m'am...." insert eyeroll. It did create a facade with some students in the classroom who did not really put me in a place of respect, but still in a realm that was not theirs. I believe education in its best form requires a teacher/student connection, and sometimes "m'am" was code for "I'm not listening to you because don't understand me." What I don't agree with is "earning respect." While in the office, yes I could agree to a degree because you interact more. But on a day-to-day-just-anyone-on-the-street communication, I hate the idea of "I'll show you respect once you show it to me." I also hated that attitude when I was a teacher. I suppose I like to think that most people are deserving of respect just for being a creature on this earth, with the exception of a handfull of people.

Author

emilyb

Date

2005-03-18T08:13:46-06:00

ID

69751

Comment

Good point re "earning respect," Emily. I have a hard time explaining exactly what I mean by this. I, too, believe everyone deserves a certain amount of respect until they prove otherwise, and even then -- kind of innocent until proven guilty. But I don't like this automatic assumption that I deserve MORE respect than a young person because I've been on earth longer. That makes no sense to me. And, while on the rant, I don't get why parents who teach their children to answer robotically can't see that they are teaching their kids to respond to people in a way that the people themselves may not want. For instance, why not teach children to address people the ways they want to be addressed, instead of making it such required habit for them to say a certain thing. For instance, I can't imagine a dumber address for me than "Miss Donna." Ick. However, today, a very progressive woman told her children to call me Miss Donna. No, please don't, I wanted to cry out, but I held my tongue. I want to be able to say, "Oh, please just call me Donna" to them. Why can't children be taught to communicate in an individualized way from a young age? I was. I know that this a compromise between Mrs. So-and-so and first names, but I still don't think it's useful as a rule that can't be broken. I guess I'm for teaching kids to think and reason for themselves, with good guidance of course, and I don't see how this fits into that. My biggest problem with it, of course, is just the rote requirement so that it requires no thought or indivialized approach. That type of teaching makes no sense to me in any context. Not a fan of rote learning. Guess that's why No Child Left Behind offends me so. But that's a different topic.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2005-03-20T23:12:49-06:00

ID

69752

Comment

When I say ma'am, I am being polite. I bet that's the motivation behind most of the ma'am saying out there. So what have we accomplished here? A lot of trivial stuff about people being polite. Such a probem! I'm getting back to my life now. Bye.

Author

Al

Date

2005-04-02T13:08:43-06:00