Jackson Free Press

So earlier, if you were at home, and you heard this loud crunching sound...that was the sound of a short blonde woman collapsing in hysterical laughter while standing too close to a bag of Lay's salt and vinegar potato chips.

Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson told citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design" and warned them Thursday not to be surprised if disaster struck.

Dear God,

Thank you for making Pat Robertson. If only for the bad hair and the entertainment. I know he probably annoys the hell out of you in the way he seems to want you to kill people and cause natural disasters, but he sure does make me happy. I especially love the way that both his foot and head seem to be constantly inserted into uncomfortably small orifices.

Thanks and, um, can you work on that "rich and famous" thing?
Ali

P.S. If you're busy maybe I could just ask Pat?

Just another snippet so we may snicker together...

I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected Him from your city," Robertson said on his daily television show broadcast from Virginia, "The 700 Club."

"And don't wonder why He hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because he might not be there," he said.

Previous Comments

ID

103632

Comment

You know, Pat Robertson might be a good compromise point for the whole debate over intelligent design vs. evolution by natural selection, since his existence disproves both theories. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2005-11-12T02:04:56-06:00

ID

103633

Comment

I don't think Pat Robertson understands the whole god thing. God, by god's very nature, cannot be "voted out" of a town. Has Mr. Robertson ever been to a basic sunday school class?

Author

kate

Date

2005-11-13T14:19:11-06:00

ID

103634

Comment

Maybe he's just become accustomed to the prolific use of words like "God" and "vote" being used together in conversation in this country....

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-11-13T14:35:20-06:00

ID

103635

Comment

Voltaire said it best.....God created man and man returned the favor. Pat's god is so small that it can be offended...rejected..scorned.....sounds alot like Pat.....and the rest of us for that matter.....in his arrogance "he" has decided that god....is offended. What "he" needs to be concerned with is that the electorate is waking up to these charlatans....the ones in the pulpits and the ones in the White House....the House, and the Senate....My best argument to a fundamentalist has always been the reality of an all encompassing God. Who would deny that the most basic definition of God would be as "All Encompassing"? To deny this would be to deny the core belief of Divinity. So yes, God is "all encompassing", so how can what is all encompassing have any form of opposite? That stumps um.....remembering that always gets me back to center.....

Author

ATLExile

Date

2005-11-13T21:28:56-06:00

ID

103636

Comment

This is cool. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-02-19T11:10:46-06:00

ID

103637

Comment

This, on the other hand, is just plain scary. (Shades of the "children of Ham" garbage that white supremacist preachers in the South used to preach. I knew Pat was pretty far out there, but I didn't realize he'd gone down this particular road.) Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-02-23T03:18:03-06:00

ID

103638

Comment

This is my favorite "You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them." I just like the "Nonsense" part.

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-02-23T07:54:41-06:00

ID

103639

Comment

More Pat Robertson goodness: The 76-year-old televangelist claims to be able to leg press 2,000 pounds. The world record for leg presses--set by a football player in Florida--is 1,335 pounds. Personally, I think he just saw this list and decided he'd try to one-up it. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-06-08T20:41:26-06:00

ID

103640

Comment

OK...I know I self-banned myself, but I cannot in good conscience let Mr. Head's inaccurate statements slide. The world record for the leg press is NOT 1335 lbs, that is the Florida State University record held by former fullback (and current Navy SEAL) Dan Kendra. Though I do not know what the actual record is, bodybuilder Ron Coleman is on video doing a leg press of 2250 lbs. Head is correct though there is no way in heaven or hell that that quack Robertson pressed 2000 lbs.

Author

Liberty Dog

Date

2006-06-09T01:04:03-06:00

ID

103641

Comment

Thanks for the correction. I have to admit that Pat Robertson's health drink sounds like it'd be nutritious, and I might even use his recipe sometime--hell, Fred Phelps' "Vitamin C cocktail" sounds like it'd be nutritious. Something about elderly right-wing loonies and healthy drinks, I don't know. If Robertson's recipe lets me leg press 2,000 pounds, I'll let you know. Telepathically. By holding an envelope to my head. Cheers, TH

Author

Tom Head

Date

2006-06-09T02:14:01-06:00