Jackson Free Press

In honor of the holidays I was going to write an endearing column listing all the wonderful things in my life for which I have to be thankful. I scrapped that after realizing it would probably end up sounding trite and, well, endearing. So I've decided to write a column traversing the sticky rainforest-like scape of my family's deep-seated personality disorders and their relation to my oft-pointed-out single status. That sounded like a lot more fun, and one way that I might actually get excluded from the family festivities this year.

I was raised in a large Italian family for which food heals all ills, and there is no business that is not family business. This is especially apparent in my decision to be "almost 30" and not married. According to my family, there must be some explanation for my lack of pit bull-like tenacity in the love department. The leading candidate is "my mouth" and its relative large size in relation to my ability to make up a bed.

I feel for every single woman in her mid-20s to 30s who must endure the pure hell that is the Single Holidays. Like Bridget Jones, most of my nights are spent on the living room floor pouring a bottle of red wine over my face and singing "All By Myself." Except I generally prefer Vic Damone's version of "I Ain't Got Nobody," bourbon and a generous smattering of cheese straws. I am Southern, after all.

In keeping the interest of my fellow Southern singles at heart, I offer a few creative ways to placate the family nose this Christmas when you find it has been indelicately stuck in Your Business.

1. Fake engagement rings work. They will at least get the fish-eye from the aunt who has all her make-up tattooed on her face. And believe me, all that tattooed eyeliner makes the fish-eye well worth the $12.95 for the ring.

2. If the patriarch of the family drinks too much Irish whiskey and pats you on the ass, just remind yourself this is the South and that is perfectly normal. Then later, after mentally acting out the shower scene from "Silkwood," remind yourself he didn't really mean it, and it never has to be spoken of again. But, um, that didn't really happen to me. Seriously.

3. The Three Pound Yorkie that your mother bought to replace all the grandchildren she doesn't have will also placate the grandmother for all the great-grandchildren she cannot claim. There's something about the presence of a three-pound dog that makes the lack of a baby in the room seem less apparent. Buy one. Buy several.

4. Claim to have a life partner and inform them that she is stunning and currently in South America chained to a tree protesting the laying of a pipeline. I do not recommend this if your grandfather has a heart problem. It really isn't funny when a 70-year-old veteran passes out face down in the cranberry sauce on the table.

5. Goodwill takes any packs of "Old Maid" cards received in a stocking as a joke. I can only imagine the poor children all over the country giggling with delight while playing with the five sets I've donated.

6. Make sure to buy at least one large, very expensive gift that a Significant Other would have bought if you were, in fact, in a relationship.

7. Hint: There is a point reached after drinking bourbon all day where people's mouths are moving but you lose the ability to actually hear them. Drink for this moment. Then, drink to stay there.

8. If the situation becomes dire and nothing seems to be helping, lie. Lie until your nose knocks the stockings off the mantle and your Uncle Tommy says something inappropriate about another woman's breasts while your aunt is in the room.

9. The copy of "Sensual Sex After 30" wrapped with a version of the "Kama Sutra" that your aunt in California gave you is a joke. It is. I promise. I promise on all that is good and holy. It doesn't mean she was in a bookstore thinking about you in 200 creative sexual positions. It doesn't.

10. If they aren't buying the lying, the drinking or the kinky sex, bring it back to your weight. This is always a good excuse, something your grandmother has no problem talking about, and is an easy scapegoat for the apparent Lack Of A Man.

I find that most holidays I wake in my grandmother's upstairs bedroom covered in half-eaten cheese straws and clutching an empty fifth of bourbon.

I feel used and dirty from the previous night's jaunt to midnight mass and eating peppermints out of my grandfather's suit pockets. The only saving grace being a couple of 6-year-old twins who bounce on the bed to wake me up, a grandmother who knows I love silver-dollar pancakes and has a dozen waiting on me when I stumble down the stairs, and a mother who is willing to body slam another family member if they can't list every column I've ever written alphabetically.

I am also blessed with aunts who still use a pet name that originated when I was 8 years old and who make enough spaghetti and meatballs on Christmas Day to kill a small Italian man.

Despite their obvious needs in the "relationship boundaries" department, I have never felt so loved as when people I see twice a year ask how many child-bearing years I believe I have left.

Has anyone thought that maybe I'm just not ready to share all this pure and unadulterated joy, yet?

God Bless Them, Every One.

Previous Comments

ID

71063

Comment

HA! My fake ring was only $7.95!

Author

emilyb

Date

2005-11-23T17:35:54-06:00

ID

71064

Comment

I always KNEW you were cheap!!! ;)

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-11-23T21:46:16-06:00

ID

71065

Comment

my grandma told me that i was "filling out my jeans" As someone who has struggled with weight in the past, I do not look forward to christmas. Or maybe i could drop 10lbs and be skinny again

Author

*SuperStar*

Date

2005-11-28T16:11:20-06:00

ID

71066

Comment

Hmm, a fake ring you say? You are a little bit of a genius!

Author

Melissa

Date

2005-11-28T17:51:42-06:00

ID

71067

Comment

Melissa I've gotten so entertained with the ongoing questioning that I have become creative. I used the fake ring last Thanksgiving. ;) This Thanksgiving my grandfather, while proudly displaying the new set of chicklet white teeth the VA PAID him to get, asked "Ali, isn't it about time you got married?" My favorite response to that is..."Now, Papaw, I try to stay OUT of legal trouble. Why in god's name would I walk into it willingly...? Besides, I'm not siring any bastards around here. I figure that'd be the only reason I need to get married. Just so Mamaw doesn't have to spend every morning at 8 o'clock mass saying novenas for my poor and plighted soul. She can, instead, be saying them for yours." This got a resounding chuckle from him and no more questions. He knows I got his sense of humor. The actual holiday was better than this column. My mother spent most of the actual meal trying to shove the three pound yorkie's head under the table so my grandfather wouldn't realize she had a DOG on her lap at the table and promptly remove the new bridge and throw it across the table. She actually had the dog on her lap because my aunt's dog was under the table growling at the ankle biter and she was afraid he would eat the it. Then, my uncle said "I met Donald Trump in Vegas last week and asked to touch his hair and then I told him that we have hair like that in Mississippi, but it generally isn't on purpose...and it usually only happens after a redneck takes a boat ride." I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, I swear. Who else has family that would SAY THAT to Donald Trump? 'Course my Uncle is a liar, too. :)

Author

Lori G

Date

2005-11-28T18:32:39-06:00

ID

71068

Comment

I sometimes wish I had a family like that. The more people I meet, the more I realize that my family is pretty boring, just your run of the mill Baptists. I say that because I can't ever talk about my life around them because my life and my stories can sometimes include alcohol consumption and people who smoke and dontcha know we can't have those kind of stories told at the Baptist Christmas Dinner Table and around the kids? :-) I wonder if I could get a guy friend to pose as my "fiancee" next year? Then it could of course, not work out and all, since they'll be expecting the wedding.

Author

Melissa

Date

2005-11-29T08:43:05-06:00