Jackson Free Press

This week I was reading the news about Bush "shakin' up" the Cabinet by changing several key positions in the administration. Or rather, he decided to shuffle some people around. One article contained a quote from a Democratic senator likening the event to "rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic." This made me giggle. It also made me tired. Very, very tired.

See, I really don't want to talk about politics. The entire topic seems so over-whelming. The other night I was sitting at home crying in my underwear watching an old television show about a society in the future where all humans were hooked into the "stream." All information was available to be instantly downloaded into their brains. Everyone knew everything, and consequently actually knew nothing. The one person not hooked into the computer stream gleaned his knowledge from books and life. He is considered "retarded" by the Streamers, but he essentially proves them wrong and saves the day. I'm sorry for the quality of the television show: around 10 p.m. I have a tendency to watch anything containing shiny gadgets and men wearing catsuits. But I thought the message was quite powerful in its simplicity.

Is it possible to know too much? Between online news, blogs, message boards and instant wire alerts, I am constantly told what is going on in politics, the world, the environment. I calculated that I spend approximately six hours a day reading news, blogs, message boards and letters to the editor of The Clarion-Ledger. There doesn't seem to be any end to the contradictory information I receive in the news.

Everyone has a slant. So, not only do I receive a lot of information, I must sort the information. I have to understand who owns certain newspapers and how that affects the writing contained therein. I have to understand how people think, believe and feel and know what kind of mood they are in on certain days. See what I mean? Tired. And when I'm not tired, I'm just lazy. Much like most good Americans.

So, for everyone who might be as tired and lazy as I am, I thought I'd do a recap of the week's news. Well, at least the highlights:

1) That damn alien baby was born to the Cruises. Or rather, one of the two hundred pregnant women Scientologists have kept in an underground bunker finally blew, and it looked sort of like Katie, so they went with it. Katie finally gets to remove the fake belly pad and will live out the remainder of her contractual married days wondering how a being that is so completely hot can be so completely crazy at the same time. Tom will just grow a green ring around his neck and tear his face off periodically, exposing the lizard underneath.

2) Bush decided that he didn't like the balls Scott McClellan was playing with, so he told him to go home. Bush then made Karl Rove get out of his swing and go sit in a chair in the corner. He then handed him a loud-speaker so he could still hear him over the other children's screaming. Rummy told Bush that he didn't give a damn which chair the teachers wanted him to sit in—he was sitting in that big black one right in the middle of the room. He then blamed it on being idiosyncratic and the largest kid in class. Bush cried. Then he prayed. Then he made a speech. It was about something he already said before, so no worries.

3) Britney Spears' baby almost died in an unfortunate high-chair accident. Just think how close we came to having a world free from bad rap, pop music and hemlines.

4) There was a case of bubonic plague reported in L.A., thereby solidifying the fact that the appearance of Paris Hilton means the anti-Christ is finally here.

5) We could quite possibly start murdering crazy people in this country. I mean, along with all the other innocent ones. This should save us lots and lots of money, since we will no longer be funding their lanyards to knit and leather arm straps. Instead, we'll spend $90,000 every year they are on death row until we kill them. This sounds fantastic! But it totally cramps my style regarding my current plan to kill Michael Buble's girlfriend and blame it on "the crazy."

6) Did I mention Angelina didn't have that baby, yet? Has anyone else figured out that being pregnant is the new black?

7) Gas costs a gazillion dollars a gallon. Like, totally more than a gamillion. Oil prices are, once again, at an all-time high. Who's excited? I ran! I ran!

8) These people in Nepal got pissed because their king wanted to be king again, and they started shooting people. Lots of people. But I guess there's nothing we can really do about all that. They're just over there. Then there's the small fact that there isn't one damn thing in that country we really want. It's not like they have cool stuff there. It's just mountains and Sherpas. Yeah, we should totally just ignore that one.

9) Mayor Melton went crazy. Again. Only this time he did it with this really badass drug dog and a shotgun. Holla.

10) I really didn't sit at home and cry in my underwear. I just thought that sounded funny. I'm also not a good liar.

So there's my slant. Although technically, those are just the slant of a slant. Considering I gleaned them from second-hand articles, there must be an "original" slant. I wonder how many of those articles are slants of a slant. I mean, how many slants did this go through before it finally got here? And if all those slants are out there floating around, how in the hell am I ever going to know if my slant is right?

There's no telling. Just thinking about that makes me tired.

Previous Comments

ID

72153

Comment

Ali, I just wanted to let you know that I loved this piece so much that I posted item 1 on my LJ and (of course) included a link to the whole piece, so everybody can discover what a terrific writer you are. Best, Tim

Author

Tim Kynerd

Date

2006-04-27T19:59:16-06:00

ID

72154

Comment

Well, OK, not *everybody*...my LJ's readership isn't all that wide. But everybody who reads it, anyway. ;-)

Author

Tim Kynerd

Date

2006-04-27T19:59:45-06:00

ID

72155

Comment

Thank you, Tim! That's very nice. ANYONE giving me "extry" readers is alright in my book. ;)

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-04-28T11:04:44-06:00

ID

72156

Comment

Amusing re-cap of the weeks events..... My favorite parts: "Bush cried. Then he prayed. Then he made a speech. It was about something he already said before, so no worries." "Tom will just grow a green ring around his neck and tear his face off periodically, exposing the lizard underneath." hilarious!

Author

jan2006

Date

2006-04-28T16:34:00-06:00