Jackson Free Press

Dear Friends, Family and Others Who Don't Give a Rip,

I've decided to send this yankeefied newsletter as proof that we are not an agoraphobic family—we just don't like spending time with folks who don't really want to spend time with us, either. My new husband has informed me that writing everyone a letter outlining everything we've done this year, hobbies we have taken a liking to and other personal information that you probably don't want to know, will suffice in place of any actual familial communication regarding 2006. This socially accepted tradition demonstrates exactly why I don't care for Yankees, and I would like to immediately apologize for offending any aunt with two first names. Yes ma'am; I was raised better than this.

So I got married. Sorry I forgot to tell everyone, but I'm happy to announce that my new family has enjoyed a busy year of exceptionally mediocre successes. For example, we graduated from family counseling when, during my tearful rage, our counselor said, "Perhaps its time we invite another specialist in for our times together so we might have a fresh perspective on this situation." We are happy to say that we have learned to disagree and overcome conflict in the moment instead of putting it off to decipher during an hour that costs us a hundred bucks. It seems to work for us, but I'd also like to apologize for offending any therapists. Yes, I know I'll be calling you in about a month.

In the fall, I decided to bring sexy back and devote my full-time energies to teaching motherfudgers how to act. I'm a full-time mom again. Well, I've always been a mom, but now I have no valid excuse to NOT chaperone the field trips, nurture souls and write checks for lunch. Of course, now y'all are wondering why I haven't spent this newfound time tending to the needs of everyone who gets paid for working all day. Well, while attending to the nauseatingly stereotypical job description of a "soccer mom," I'm also continuing my writing career and working on my thesis, "Spontaneous Sibling Rivalry: Blended Families Require Referees." As soon as I've proved my case, I'm certain my planner will be blossoming with errands I can run for everyone else, since I never work and all.

Speaking of animosity, Monkey and Princess are really growing up! I mean that in the most holy-sh*t-where-did-these-children-come-from way. Of course, we're grateful the Lord blessed us with candid offspring, but their moods have become quite unpredictable. On the advice of other parents, they were tested for paranoia, and sure enough, our kids are certain that everyone is looking at them and nothing is their fault. We are quite relieved that our children have not developed an incurable mental illness; they are only displaying the behaviors of puberty. This explains Monkey's sudden affection for the babysitter and the Princess' social polarization. You are either for them or against them, so we've stockpiled feminine hygiene products, deodorant, heating pads, slang dictionaries and hair gel for the impending war.

The Baby Jesus also blessed our family with three vacations this year. Our stay in Disney World produced only the trite stories of the everyfamily, but I found it to be a surprisingly wonderful experience. Mr. Steam Jeans sure knows how to work a theme park, and we did, in fact, sing "Zippity-Do-Dah" out of our @ssholes. I had a spiritual experience at the Polynesian Resort involving Elvis, fire dancers and several absurdly priced drinks.

We hosted a traditional wedding reception at the Memphis Zoo, near the pandas, then spent a long weekend in New Orleans after canceling our Savannah, Ga., honeymoon on account of baby-daddy drama. I was kind of subpoenaed in front of God and Gene Edwards to serve as a witness in a "civil matter." Now if you have not had this experience, I'll just say that God never shuts a door without opening a window. You may be scared to death of courtrooms and a dose of the unknown, but you will score five dollars, a greater understanding of the legal system and perhaps unexpected "witness sequestering" networking opportunities. Why, if not required by law, would I have befriended an MBN officer who shares my OCD with southern culture? Where else would I learn the delicacy that is "sh*t on a shingle"?

Needless to say, the family is fabulous! We have those honor-student car tags and everything. Sorry we haven't enclosed a more recent photo, but we forgot to bring the camera that one day when everyone looked and felt absolutely perfect. Happy New Year!

Previous Comments

ID

74256

Comment

The end?

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-12-27T18:22:09-06:00

ID

74257

Comment

Girl, you crazy! :-P

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-12-27T22:03:06-06:00

ID

74258

Comment

My other comment about your great jod of writing belonged under this column. I can't remember what I wrote so I can't repeat it.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-12-28T13:00:16-06:00

ID

74259

Comment

You said that I'm so talented that you are without words. You also said that it looks like I'm losing weight, you commented on my well-behaved children and you also love my burnt chicken. If only every woman burned dinner, then we'd know that the world is what it should be.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-12-28T13:05:48-06:00