Jackson Free Press

CafePress is holding an anti-Valentine's Day. The top three sellers will get an iPod! Check out my design at http://www.cafepress.com/patriotictwist (I also linked my main Web site to this one.) The design I came up with was based on putting a spin on a popular saying rather than coming with an ornate graphic.

Buy a T-shirt, clock, mousepad...something! I wanna win an iPod so I can download the JFP Podcast!

Previous Commentsshow

Looks like there are quite a few people who feel that Valentine's Day Isn't Cuddly for Everyone: "Basically, no matter who you are, Valentine's Day will give you something to be stressed about," says 25-year-old receptionist Bennett Madison. It's kind of like the stress at Christmas, he explains, but worse: "It's got that added layer of romance. Just one more thing to make you feel inadequate." Madison has spent a lot of time thinking about this. In fact, he's written a book, too. It's called "I Hate Valentine's Day." Madison says he wrote the book because "all my friends were complaining about Valentine's Day. Even people who were really self-confident. It seemed like everyone was setting themselves up for something impossible. It's like they were seeing that one day as a referendum on their whole romantic life."

LatashaWillis

Feb 10 2006

Yeah, Valentine's can really suck, especially if your sweetheart is going to be wining and dining his wife. And, you are with someone whom you 'love' but aren't in love with.

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

OK, this is where I go Dr. Laura on your a$$ and tell you to get yourself a sweetheart who does not have a wife. Lordy.

DonnaLadd

Feb 13 2006

I used to know a guy who I knew was cheating on his wife with someone else in my social circle. Saw him and his wife and young kids at Shoney's one time and it was a VERY awkward moment because, even though it was the first time I'd ever met her, I had this overwhelming sense that I was betraying her by not saying anything as they sat there laughing and playing with the kids together in peace. You really want to tell the wife in that kind of situation, but it didn't feel like my place. She somehow found out later (no big surprise; he bragged about it all over the place) and ended up divorcing the lout. I still wonder if there's anything the rest of us should have done in that situation. Do you call up the wife anonymously and say "I know your husband is cheating on you with [x]" then hang up, or do you keep your mouth shut? I kept my mouth shut, but after hearing how nasty the divorce was, I wonder if maybe I should have been a busybody and gotten involved somehow. Dunno. What do you think? Cheers, TH

Tom Head

Feb 13 2006

(Latasha, let me know if I'm hijacking the thread too badly--it just looked like an obvious really good anti-Valentine's Day topic. :P Cheers, TH)

Tom Head

Feb 13 2006

Oooh- very sticky situation. I lost a very good friend (Q) because she found out her husband was cheating on her with another friend (L), and she(Q) thought the rest of the gals knew. I didn't know but I had to really think about whether or not I would have told her. We need an anonymous hotline where we can call and report bad spouse behavior...

urbangypsy

Feb 13 2006

Also- have y'all seen the crazy website that's up detailing the local Jackson minister's affair with a young woman? Beware the woman scorned...

urbangypsy

Feb 13 2006

we don't choose who we love--sometimes it just happens and then its too late. it does hurt knowing that he doesn't love you enough to leave his wife...but he's been honest with me about that from the beginning. we did almost end it a while back, and it was horrible for both of us...more so for me. i also wonder why he wants me if he loves her so much. so, if anyone has a cure for a broken heart, let me know. In the meantime, I hate Valentine's Day!! And its my birthday too!

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

I know, darlin'. But we all have to extricate ourselves from love mistakes from time to time -- I certainly have; in my case a cheater on ME -- and it's so worth it when you come out on the other side and get your life back free and clear of such dishonesty. You're glad he's "honest" that he's cheating? That doesn't make him honest. He's still a liar. Get out of this. Really. Your life won't be yours until you do. And happy birthday.

DonnaLadd

Feb 13 2006

i can't think of myself as the "other woman". i hate that term, but it would be great if we could get a support group of women that could help each other get through these situations. i'd love to hear other's stories about how they got out and got over someone they loved more than anything.

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

There must be one out there. If not, y'all should form one. Seriously. And you are the "other woman." If you weren't, you'd have plans tomorrow night. The first step is to stop kidding yourself, and not beat yourself up for what has happened already. Move forward, sweetheart! You are the only person who can make yourself happy. Remember that, memorize that, live it, breathe it, feel it. (I do sound like Dr. Laura, eh? I'm not qualified as a therapist, by the way.)

DonnaLadd

Feb 13 2006

this is rather cathartic...I haven't had anyone to talk to about how i feel about anything..the hurt mostly. i just know that when i think of him not being in my life, its as if all the color is gone. sure, i try to tell myself that our relationship is different and i know its really not. i give myself 100 peptalks a day. i also know how weak i am when it comes to him. thanks for all the comments.

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

the man i love thought his wife found out something about us recently. turns out that it wasn't as serious as he first thought. but, it really hurt me to hear the relief in his voice when he felt like things had 'smoothed' over. that's my main question: why does he even need me if he loves her and wants to stay married to her. donna, you gave good sound advice. maybe soon i can heed it.

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

Pink-Lordy, Lordy honey. I'm so sorry you are in that space. While I haven't been in it myself...I recently found myself so attracted to a married man that was open about being "available" I actually had to remind myself THREE separate times that I don't "do" that. No, seriously, the day I almost convinced myself it was alright is the day I decided I really needed a date. I was just lonely. Get out. If he's cheating on her he'll cheat on you. Doesn't matter what he says to you. Doesn't matter what he tells you. Fact of the matter is there is a "mindset" required to cheat. And, if he can convince himself the "cheating" is okay...he can also convince himself the drinking, the drugs, or the beating is alright too. I'm not saying he would DO all that other stuff, I'm just saying that being able to rationalize a long term affair while in a long term marriage is a skill most often used by the rest of the population that is also f#cking up and in denial about it. Why in the hell would you want to be with a man that wouldnt' want you all to himself? WHY? The only answer is that you don't like yourself a whole lot right now. And, that's fine. People all go thru "weak" phases in their life. Especially when they completely love a louse. But, it sounds like you are sitting on the edge of finally making a better decision for yourself. And, I want to applaud you for that. Just thinking about it is the first step. Start imagining your future without him in it. The day you can do that without even trying is usually a very good day. :) I've loved a man that was bad for me. It was not fun leaving him behind, but I did it. It hurt like hell for a while, but I didn't die. I also didn't have anymore days where I sat waiting for him to call, where I cried because he chose someone else over me. In a relationship like this you automatically place a man in a position of chosing another woman over you every day. Why would you do that to yourself? Really think about why you would want it proven to you, day after day, that you are easily "leavable"? Why would you want that? Usually because you truly believe you are "leavable". That you deserve to be forgotten...and that my dear, is true for NO ONE...no matter what you think right now. And there's me projecting and trying to be a therapist all at the same time. :P Tom- I once told a woman her husband was cheating on her...because I'm a b!tch like that.

Lori G

Feb 13 2006

Donna-we are now launching the "Ask Ali" column. Hell, I AM a therapist. Why not wh0re myself out some more like the good little capitalist I am? ;)

Lori G

Feb 13 2006

OOOOh....Ali's figured out the ole filter....:P

Lori G

Feb 13 2006

The love stuff is hard-pinkblush- trust me. I have been the girl who always had a man- but most of those men cheated. Sometimes I stayed, hoping that one day they'd love me enough to be faithful. Other times, I left- knowing that I was more than enough woman for one man. But I'm not a man hater. Something in ME allowed me to stay in relationships that were not giving me what I needed- including them not cheating. I'm still holding out hope that with enough of my own growth and lots of luck, I will find the right one. And I hold out the same hope for you. Happy Birthday!

urbangypsy

Feb 13 2006

Get out. If he's cheating on her he'll cheat on you. Doesn't matter what he says to you. Truer words were never spoken. Cheaters are cheaters. They cheat. And it has nothing to do with you. Ali, you are indeed a therapist. Go for it, girlfriend. Maybe you can lead the JFP Scorned Lovers group chat. ;-D It's a new direction for the blog but, hey, we aim to please and help our readers. Dump him, pink. You deserve better.

DonnaLadd

Feb 13 2006

ali, i just read your post and have been sitting here boo-hooing. you are so right...you and donna both. i'm no young dewy-eyed naive ingenue and i wasn't looking for anyone--the way it happened was so serendipitous too. knowing him has given me the most joy and the most hurt i've ever known. but every day i think about getting out..and if i do, how will i survive it.

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

i'd really love to hear from them...men who cheat....and if they love their wives, why do they do it? another girl told me it was an addiction. lets hear what it really is.

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

Pink, file the memories of the joy, chalk the hurt up to a good lesson, and move on, girl. Life is too short to be cheated on. Tape that to your mirror. Be your own woman, demand respect (which a cheater can never give), and you'll attract someone worthy of you. Otherwise, you're in for heartache punctuated with a few joyful moments. That is no frickin' way to live. We're rootin' for you.

DonnaLadd

Feb 13 2006

if they love their wives, why do they do it? Personally, I think it's self-hatred. But I'm not qualified to diagnose.

DonnaLadd

Feb 13 2006

People (not just men) cheat- because they can. IMHO. I wouldn't look for reasons why. We never like the answers cheaters give anyway. Just commit to not letting it happen again.

urbangypsy

Feb 13 2006

People, you are seriously giving the "woman" reason. Men cheat to get laid. Some of them to get some emotional needs met. But most because they want to get laid. Period.

Lori G

Feb 13 2006

anger..that's what i wish i could feel. everyday i repeat "i hate him; i hate him"...he calls and i melt. and, actually, there's been no sex. just lots of talking about everything under the sun. hey, you are a great group of people.

pinkblush

Feb 13 2006

What about?- "I love myself, I love myself, I love myself!"

urbangypsy

Feb 13 2006

Why not wh0re myself out some more like the good little capitalist I am? ;) Do they pay you by the amount you do or just a nominal fee? If it's by the post then you should be rollin. I will agree with ali guys do it just to get laid. I never have but friends who do tell me thats it.

*SuperStar*

Feb 13 2006

I can't understand men who cheat, any more than I can understand men who beat their wives and kids, but I've always felt like cheating is an act of emotional violence more than anything else. My guess is that it's a power thing rooted in contempt for the SO and a perceived need to assert control--in other words, that it's a "Because I can" thing. I have a hard time thinking it's all about getting laid. urbangypsy: Could you me email me a link to that web site you were talking about above re: the local pastor...? I've got one I want to send back that I think you'd find interesting, but for various reasons shouldn't post here. Gracias. :o) Cheers, TH

Tom Head

Feb 13 2006

I'm pretty sure the link is down due to a court injunction but here's the article in the CL http://www.clarionledger.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060209/NEWS/60209017&SearchID=73235558048320

urbangypsy

Feb 13 2006

Wow, I was starting to think no one noticed this thread. Great discussion, everyone. pinkblush, I also want to encourage you to leave that so-called man alone and find someone that is unattached. That guy is playing you like a fiddle, and he is using your lack of confidence in yourself to keep you bound. He knows exactly what he's doing. As long as he can make you feel good, he knows you won't tell his wife. Drop that zero! As I heard someone say, you can do bad by yourself. In other words, if you are going to be miserable, you don't need anyone's help. Hey, enjoy your birthday. And based on how sincere you seem to be, you would have no trouble starting another relationship with a guy who truly cares about you.

LatashaWillis

Feb 13 2006

And, I should add, pink, that this can happen to anyone. When I was played for a fool, my confidence went through the floor -- and I am not known for my low self-esteem. I lost my ability to trust and didn't get it back until I finally dumped his ass (and immediately met a *wonderful* man who taught me so much about life and optimism and looking at the stars, no matter what, and now is a dear, dear friend of both mine and Todd, as is his wife and kids (all of which came well after our relationship ran its course). But, at that time, he was just what the doctor ordered, and I would have missed that shining star had I stayed obsessed with the buttwipe. Liars are cruel, and you will *not* change him, although he may decide to go off and change himself if you stop enabling him. Just be glad you're not the wife; you have an easy way out of this mess. Take it. For the record, I'm also friendly again with the buttwipe these days, but he's far away and in no way will ever have the ability to hurt me again. It's funny how life works out. SO: Just say no to the scoundrel and then go out and be the confident, happy, independent woman we all have inside us. And the beautiful thing is that you will *then* attract someone honest who wants that kind of woman. Output, input, so to speak. Buck up, babe. The JFP chicks (and dudes) are rootin' for you.

DonnaLadd

Feb 13 2006

just hearing others experiences helps you realize you are not alone. i have felt in such a vacuum with this, not being able to talk about it to anyone. its so true that i have found myself turning into the kind of person i never thought i'd be...basically feel that i have lost self-respect,and if others knew, theirs too. that line about playing me like a fiddle is so true...and actually, you don't know how true-i almost had to laugh, which felt really good. today IS a better day. thanks ya'll.

pinkblush

Feb 14 2006

its so true that i have found myself turning into the kind of person i never thought i'd be Pink, it can and does happen to all of us. The good news is that you can turn back. Just do it. I'm glad we can help in some way. Here's your assignment for today: Go do something really nice for yourself. Just for you. Then do that every day until you get through this nightmare. Every step matters. Go, girl.

DonnaLadd

Feb 14 2006