Dean and Ann Blackwell of Jackson are approaching their 25th wedding anniversary, and they've been together for 28 years. They have four children, aged 13 to 20. Dean had to catch a flight early in our interview, but I BENT THE RULES AND let him add a comment at the end, because hey, it's amore. They offered us frank advice on how to make love prosper year in and out.
You have been married for 25 years. How did that happen?
Ann: Because I have no boundaries. I can't say no! Of course, I'm kidding. Sometimes I say that we've been about 12 different people since we got married. We've decided that neither the good times nor the bad times define our marriage. It's both of them together.
How has your marriage changed over the years?
Ann: We've gotten a lot more realistic. At 18, I really thought this man was just going to take care of me, that I had gone from daddy to new-daddy. Probably our lowest time was when I realized that he wasn't just here to take care of me and that I was going to have to grow up and do my part. I had to face the fact that he was human and had faults, just like me, and he wasn't just going to make my life the way I wanted it. We had probably been married about 10 years before I realized that!
So how did you deal with it?
Ann: We're pro-therapy and pro-help. We take our car to the mechanic, and we took our marriage to the counselor. We're not as impulsive as we used to be, where we'd do wild and crazy things. It's more steady now. Sometimes I miss some of the craziness, but not for long.
How do your kids factor into your marriage?
Ann: I call my kids my "for-betters." Really, our marriage has been a family affair. We've told the kids we're all going on our 25th-anniversary trip. They're willing to sit down and talk with us. We don't lay any really heavy stuff on them, but we value their opinions. They're not just to be seen and not heard. They're heard around here.
What trips up marriages?
Ann: Self-centeredness. People just can't get past what they want and need to really help the other person.
How do you keep romance alive after 25 years?
Ann: One thing that's helped our romance is what I call celebrating the mundane. We make romance happen.
How do you make it happen?
Ann: You have to get a little corny, I think. Buy the little candy hearts and put them on the table, wear a red dress and steam a lobster. Even if you're stuck at home with three kids, you can still be romantic. Celebrate your daily life.
What's your advice to couples who hope to stay together for life?
Ann: You have to take emotional risks. If you put yourself out there, you always stand the chance of being rejected. Sometimes, people won't take that risk. I think honesty is the hardest thing for people to embrace. When you make yourself vulnerable like that, you're almost waiting for the other person to attack, so you can shut down again. But you have to stay vulnerable. That's what honesty is, whether it's how you feel or even stuff you've done. A lot of your secrets that you may hide from your spouse are still there. Whether you talk about them or not, they're right there in the middle.
What do you do if you tell your spouse what you need and they can't provide it?
Ann: Every marriage has that. You just have to accept it. That can be the hardest thing. You have to learn your own contentment. No one will be able to meet all of your needs. A bunch of them, but not all. So then you have to learn to live with who you are and who you love. There's no easy solution. Sometimes you just have to commit to your commitment.
What is the reward of a long marriage?
Ann: I feel a sense of victory. There is sexiness in longevity. A lot of the things we relied on in the early years just went away. The tangible things in your life can be taken away just like that, and then you have to get to the guts of who you really are.
What are your plans for Valentine's?
Ann: We'll both be out of town, so this will be the first Valentine's we've spent apart since we've been married. We'll make up for it, though.
Anything you want to add?
Dean: I saw Ann on the beach 28 years ago, and her eyes captured me and still do every day.
Ann: I'm just madly, passionately in love with him.
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