Jackson Free Press

Brian: I'm Brian Johnson.

Ali: And I'm Ali Greggs.

Brian: And we're bringing you the 2006 Miss Mississippi Scholarship Pageant live on WJFP. This is my first time covering a pageant, but I have a wealth of experience to my left here in Ali Greggs. Ali, what do you expect we'll see tonight?

Ali: Butt adhesive and Vaseline. Why is that girl in the audience wearing a formal but going barefoot? Do you think Britney Spears is in the contest? If Kevin Federline is here I have to leave. I've heard he can impregnate a woman standing 20 feet away.

Brian: I'm not seeing any African Americans in here. Mostly family members and hometown supporters. Is this thing sort of like that pilgrimage they have in Natchez? I'm still trying to figure that stuff out, you know.

Ali: Look, there is one African-American man up there. He's the one onstage dressed like a pimp. Full length fur coat and red velvet hat? They're making this way too easy.

Brian: Now he's prancing around like Elton John again. We have an Oz theme tonight, and I don't mean gang rapes and shivs. No, I'm talking about the Wonderful Wizard of Oz and the yellow brick road. I've never seen young women sing, "If I only had a brain," with such gusto.

Ali: Check out the girl in the silver pantsuit. She's "danced" before, if you catch my drift. If only the Tin Man had a pole.

Brian: Ali, am I right in thinking that this is the gayest thing you've ever seen?

Ali: There is a man onstage in a vest of green sequins, throwing glitter and wearing a face of make-up. Yes, I believe there are definite homosexual undertones to this show. I wish there were more pirates.

Brian: Did that man just sing that he was going to "lubricate" something? The Miss Mississippi Pageant is the gravest threat facing the institution of Christian marriage today. So-called "gay culture" celebrates events like this because it shows that gender is just a scam. All it takes to be a girl is the guts to overdo it. The contestants are really just queens.

Ali: What the hell are you talking about? Folks, forgive him. He's from Kansas.

Brian: Right you are, Ali. Now we're on to the evening wear. Look at those little girls in their precious dresses handing the contestants roses. They even call them "princesses." Look, two of the "princesses" are actually little boys. How's that for homosexual recruitment?

Ali: These introductions are fabulous. It's already getting dirty. The first one threw the "mentally challenged kids" card, the fifth one threw the "My mother had cancer" card, and the tenth one threw the "Jesus" card. This is going to be an all-out brawl between Jesus and cancer.

Brian: The judges are unquestionably going to dock points for her passing Jesus off as her favorite philosopher. The answer was Schopenhauer. Now we're on to my personal favorite, the swimsuit competition, or as I like to call it, the "show us your tits" competition. Of course, in truth this part has nothing to do with tits. Rather, it's our guarantee that none of these girls is actually fat.

Ali: Brian, stop sweating. Oh my Lord, it's an Oompa Loompa. There is no natural reason for a Caucasian woman to be that shade of burnished cinnamon.

Brian: It seems none of the contestants is fat, so it's on to the talent section.

Ali: I assume you mean that in the loosest sense of the term. Did the host just say that she would be playing a song by Liberace? I'm beginning to see your point. Gay.

Brian: There are actually two songs by Liberace tonight, folks.

Ali: Can you believe this off-key flamenco opera piece? She needs to be singing, "If I could only find the key." Brian? Brian?

Brian: Sorry folks, I thought that would be a good time to step out for a cigarette.

Ali: It was wrong that I had to endure that painful demonstration of squealing histrionics alone. Woo! Look at that! I have got to get me one of those ass capes. That red one with all the fake feathers is fabulous.

Brian: Ali's referring to the ass cape worn by Taryn Foshee. Ali, if I'm not mistaken, that's an imported ass cape.

Ali: I need one. I think that Liberace girl with the ass cape is going to win, thereby securing the ass cape's place as a Mississippi fashion icon, much like hairspray and white pumps.

Brian: Now we're waiting for the judges to select our five finalists. Did host Michael Young just say that his favorite part of the contest is spending time with the girls?

Ali: That's right Brian. He said they like to "play" together. I wonder how they get past the force field of hairspray surrounding his head.

Brian: Well, that is just stupendously creepy. They're bringing out the vacuums and hose-blowers one more time to clear the stage. Feathers and glitter are flying out into the audience.

Ali: I believe they are attempting to remove all vestiges of gayness from the stage before it rises up and forms a singing Judy Garland made entirely of glitter, sequins and fake feathers. It could attack the children.

Brian: Now we have the final question, which is the last opportunity for our contestants to shine. All right, our host is asking one girl about her identity, and she is just lying her ass off, isn't she?

Ali: Unless she's Jesus. OK, he did not just ask number five if she thought it was all right to be a midget, did he? I'm speechless.

Brian: For the record, she thinks discrimination against midgets is wrong. And now comes the moment we've been waiting for. One of these young ladies is about to become the happiest woman in the world, and the other four are about to become bitter, premature has-beens. … And it's Tanya Foshee, who rode to victory on nothing but Liberace, an ass cape and a dream!

Ali: You owe me a martini for calling the winner. And an ass cape.

Brian: I certainly do, Ali. I simply cannot describe the excitement here in Vicksburg. I'm Brian Johnson.

Ali: And I'm Ali Greggs, reporting to you live on WJFP.