Jackson Free Press

Over the course of an average week as a mental health professional, I see many individuals in my office that most people would deem "crazy." I am often amazed they have managed to escape both detection and a good mental health assessment for as long as they have. You would be astonished by the number of people out there walking around slap out of their damn minds. Frequently I find they usually manage keeping up this façade of perfect mental health for extended periods largely thanks to a fair amount of ready cash. Nothing in this world protects crazy like money. Think Michael Jackson. Totally crazy, totally rich, totally got off.

Celebrities aside, crazy is often a "family affair." This is especially true in the South. And because of protection from family and friends, that "strange uncle" living in the attic can fly under the radar for years. This free flying is often made more difficult if the person swinging the cuckoo flag is thrust into the public eye. For some people, this exposure causes an internal pressure that forces the crazy to fall out of their mouth at a new and fevered pace. There are, at present, any number of public figures in Jackson who could use professional help, and it is sometimes hard to sit back and let the car crash happen in front of me without offering some sort of assistance. I just think of all the help they're not getting. Help that I truly believe would do nothing but improve the city of Jackson. I imagine the sessions going something like this.

Ali: "Sir, the judge has ordered a mental health assessment be performed due to your current erratic behavior. Now, tell me if your eating or sleeping has changed recently."

Unnamed Public Figure: "I want to go to court with you. I really want to get you in court bad. You don't know how bad."

Ali: "Sir, you've been to court. You lost. Sit down. This won't take long. I assure you that legal action doesn't need to be threatened. Although, a few of the mothers in the waiting room are requesting that you stop picking up their children. Let me ask you a few questions, OK? Now, we've had some reports that you stopped a few school buses on the side of the interstate and tried to touch the children. Is this correct?"

UPF: "It's been such a stressful two weeks. I wanted to shake their hands. I wanted to touch them. That's all it was … This is really important to me."

Ali: "Yes, sir. I know that being in office is extremely stressful. I just bet there are all manner of very upsetting things about it. The whole idea of being accountable for your actions and people actually having an opinion about them? I bet that really burns you up from time to time. But we can't all start touching children when we get stressed out. Just think about where it would lead."

UPF: "If shaking their hands and hugging their necks is inappropriate, then do what you have to do. My love for them is unconditional."

Ali: "Yes, I get that part. Kind of creepy, but I get it. Let's move on. Sir, we've been having reports that you are carrying firearms into all sorts of inappropriate places. Now, do you mind if I ask you about that?"

UPF: "No ma'am, not at all. But I was out last night, the night before last, the night before that and the night before that. And I did have weapons on me, and I have weapons on me right now."

Ali: "Sir, you can't have weapons in the clinic. You must remove them right now."

UPF: "I didn't do anything stupid or illegal."

Ali: "Well, sir, I beg to differ. I'm not sure how illegal it is to touch the children or carry guns into churches, especially since Mr. Hood won't really tell us, but I happen to know that it's totally stupid. That I do know. Sir, we really need to have your focus returned to your public duties."

UPF: "The mayor of New York City has a staff of 50 detectives, and he's never put a single drug dealer in jail, not one. That's something I do every day."

Ali: "Sir, this isn't New York City. And purely in the interest of measuring your judgment capabilities, why in the name of the Sweet Baby Jesus would the mayor of New York City run around with a shotgun putting drug dealers in jail? That isn't his job. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he supposed to run the city, shake people's hands, and bring in money and new business?"

UPF: "The thing that I'm struggling with right now is that y'all can't handle the truth."

Ali: "Yes, I saw that movie too. It was fabu-lous. Jack Nicholson? Tom Cruise before the crazy? Smoking hot, especially in that uni-form. But that is beside the point. Sir, I assure you I can handle the truth. In fact, the truth would be nice right now. I feel that asking for anything other than the truth would make me a less than credible professional."

UPF: "You're not credible. All I have to do is go before the judge and show that you report wrong information."

Ali: "Sir, are you insinuating that I am a liar? I assure you that I handle assessments with the utmost professionalism. I am ex-tremely credible. I have you on record dis-cussing the carrying of weapons and touching children. Now, sir, do you have anything further you would like to say?"

UPF: "I will cream you personally."

Ali: "Well, sir, I consider that a credible threat. And since you seem to be a danger to others, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to go with the orderly. And while you're at it, take off that damn gun, sit your ass down and start running this freakin' city."

If that didn't work, I could always get a large Mental Health Mobile Command Unit and start knocking down doors.

Previous Comments

ID

72792

Comment

Amazing column, Ali. I didn't get to tell you ahead of time, so there it is.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-06-28T13:40:32-06:00

ID

72793

Comment

You will get investigated for sure and possibly arrested. Sounds like a threat to me.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-06-28T14:41:03-06:00

ID

72794

Comment

I gotta leave for a while, and I don't want to be a messenger of bad news; however, Donna's Miata and what ever you drive won't be any match for that mobile command coming for you. WHAT YOU GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU? BAD GIRL. BAD GIRL.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-06-28T14:56:05-06:00

ID

72795

Comment

Thank you, Donna. That means a lot. ;) I actually LOVED writing it. I made myself giggle. Ray-I'm already scared. I keep looking for that big RV with its flashing lights to come up behind me on the interstate.

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-06-28T14:57:20-06:00

ID

72796

Comment

I meant a regular smiley...not a winker. Damn the smilies.

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-06-28T15:00:55-06:00

ID

72797

Comment

The Bad Girls of the JFP. Love it.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-06-28T15:05:16-06:00

ID

72798

Comment

I think we should take the new vulva...I mean Volvo :) We can drive it topless (the car that is...drop the top of the CAR). Ali can assess those who try to arrest us on an indencency ordinance.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-06-28T15:44:38-06:00

ID

72799

Comment

We could chase the Command Center all over town! ;-) I see a Schindaman cartoon coming from this ...

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-06-28T15:45:38-06:00

ID

72800

Comment

OHMIGOD. I'm there. Only if I get to drive the topless Vulva. Bad Girls of the JFP driving a topless Vuvla. We could follow Frank every where and give hugs to all the people he doesn't arrest.

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-06-28T15:53:07-06:00

ID

72801

Comment

It's an automatic or manual. Whichever you prefer. And I love the hugs. Hell, we all could use a hug. And we all could use a good assessment too. OMG! Ali! We could do the Charlie Brown and Lucy 5 cents deal! I want to be the one that yells so loud people spin though.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-06-28T16:00:16-06:00

ID

72802

Comment

U ladies of the JFP are really cutting up in this issue. Go Girls, more power to U.

Author

jada

Date

2006-06-28T16:23:36-06:00

ID

72803

Comment

Ooo, my friend Karrie in Colorado drove a "Vulva" (her word for it). She was the coolest mama and domestic goddess I ever met. I miss her. She'd invite me over to help her girls make cookies at Christimas time. We'd hang them a tub of cookie dough dropped off at her door by the local dairy. They had little cookie-cutter pans they'd press the dough into. And she and I would kick back and drink golden margs and listen to Christmas music. She certainly taught me to let go of that crap about having to do everything yourself to prove your domesticity cred. My rule now: give great parties by being a great hostess. Somebody else can cook and clean up. You know, like the Hal & Mal's staff who are paid to do it. ;-) You're my new favorite mom, Em.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-06-28T16:27:43-06:00

ID

72804

Comment

I love it when y'all show out.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-06-29T07:56:54-06:00

ID

72805

Comment

that was funny. very funny. I'm still laughing. I wondered when someone would say hugging strange kids and carrying guns on airplanes was creepy.

Author

Kingfish

Date

2006-06-29T08:33:50-06:00

ID

72806

Comment

Thank you Donna! It's also good to get a Primo's caramel cake, slap it on some pretty pottery and call it a day. My own grandpop pretends I did it, but we all know the truth. It's the elephant in the room.

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-06-29T08:55:55-06:00

ID

72807

Comment

I love it when y'all show out. Ladies, we are so Ray's toys. It could be worse.

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-06-29T10:30:05-06:00

ID

72808

Comment

I wonder what Ms. Greggs would do if Melton pulled her over with his bodyguards and said he needed a hug?

Author

Kingfish

Date

2006-06-29T21:06:12-06:00

ID

72809

Comment

And what beautiful and happy toys they were. Jimmy, Ali would be so frightened she would grant the hug then do a scatching column about how slimy and awful he was. Or she might like it and be transformed in her opinions, views and affection concerning him. Nall, she would hug him because it's would be the proper thing to do as she would have initially thought she was getting ticketed for having drank too much earlier or for driving while blind. But I forgot she quit drinking, too. Or she might curse or slap the ultimate authority and get taken to the slammer. Then she could write a prize winning article or book called "When I Did Hard Time in Jackson."

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-06-30T08:41:44-06:00

ID

72810

Comment

Well, Jimmy, I would hug him, of course. Then I'd take his wallet while he was distracted. Ray-your ideas are good too. :) (and who said I quit drinking?)

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-06-30T08:43:01-06:00

ID

72811

Comment

gold digger.

Author

Kingfish

Date

2006-06-30T08:55:30-06:00

ID

72812

Comment

Maybe it's beause I did not drink at Lynette's party. I was driving that night. But I'm still drinking. Just not while driving. In fact, I've got some lost time to make up this weekend with the children actually being gone for a change :)

Author

emilyb

Date

2006-06-30T09:54:18-06:00

ID

72813

Comment

Maybe I confused drinking with smoking. Well, as one of my old co-workers used to say concerning his drinking after a couple of stints at company-paid-for rehabilitation " I don't drank any more than I used to." Eventually, the truth of this claim, and the totalling out (damaged beyond repair) of 2 or 3 company vehicles while drunk, got him fired. But I loved his remark.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-06-30T10:55:23-06:00

ID

72814

Comment

Someone just alerted me that they're talking about Melton and the "girls of the JFP" and our topless vulva over at FARK. We've been FARK-ed, ladies! Rebel Belles Unite!

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-06-30T11:29:45-06:00

ID

72815

Comment

Today I got farked in a topless vulva. Its a good Friday, no?

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-06-30T14:00:50-06:00

ID

72816

Comment

Just sounds like any other Ali day to me. ;-)

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-06-30T14:05:45-06:00

ID

72817

Comment

Ali, I've been trying to think of something to say about your article, but I'm too stunned and tickled to think of anything. I'm speechless. As for FARK, I read the C-L article on the whole Father's Day barbecue thing, and I can't believe I haven't heard about that incident before today. We're in trouble, y'all.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-07-04T12:48:52-06:00

ID

72818

Comment

If Only.... :D

Author

Ironghost

Date

2006-07-04T12:59:51-06:00