Jackson Free Press

We Southern women are quite particular about love and marriage, particularly weddings. As little girls, we have our china patterns chosen, as well as the dress, church, colors and cake. It is the realization of all our dreams, and yet amidst all the formalities, our bridal announcements do not include fill-in-the-blanks for that one rite of passage that rebukes all previous Victorian decorum. I'm talking about the part of the celebration where the virginal, blushing bride gets a vibrator.

Yes, we handle that bit of pre-marital therapy at bachelorette parties in these parts. You've seen those chicks at the bars, right? The ones with the phallic headdresses, wearing shirts that say, "Suzy's Final Fling Before the Ring," as they pass out penis pops and shake their butts in "Buy Me a Shot / I'm Tying the Knot" embellished sashes. I've heard from a reputable source that one can procure what is called an "Inflatable Willie," ranging from 12 inches to six feet, for such occasions.

Can someone tell me why women carry plastic penises around town while their counterparts slide dollar bills into thongs of real women at strip clubs? I say we meet them there, get on the stage and see how they feel about that. I'm certain our good, Southern boys would rethink the strip-club dynamic and get back to the kitchen where they belong.

However, women can find one perk in these backward traditions, and that's the gift that keeps on giving. God bless the woman whose friends throw the "fun" or "passion" party. The chicks of my generation know too many women before us who never really enjoyed sex. That's why they could only whisper the words to us and warn us of our "wifely duties," equating "marital relations" to "pain in the ass."

Of course, one must be well connected to get this star treatment. Organizers of said fun parties do not trot about town in fuzzy, vibrating cars to advertise their wares, like the pink Cadillacs driven by the Mary Kay power sellers. No, the fun party "consultant" must do so clandestinely, and only chicks who know the right women obtain the resources needed to purchase a battery-operated boyfriend.

Such secrecy is necessary because our laws are ludicrous. In 2004, the Mississippi Supreme Court upheld the Legislature's ban on the sale of "three-dimensional devices designed or marketed primarily for the stimulation of human genitalia." No aspects of life, the Court said, "are more private than those having to do with one's sexual organs and reproductive system." Nevertheless, the Court drew a distinction thinner than an ultra-thin Trojan when it found that while the government has no business regulating use of those devices, because it invades our privacy, it's perfectly all right to ban the sale of those devices.

We are brides who become mothers, and we do much more to protect "public morality" than the government ever could. You better believe we make damn sure our fun boxes stay locked because we know these materials are not for children. Protecting our children is the feigned premise for the 3D-objects-not-sold-in-stores, but this does not stop us from selling porn magazines, which my children can see peaking out from behind the plastic wrap at Border's. Meanwhile, women have to purchase sex toys like they are contraband.

Thank God, then, for the fun party, where women sit in a semi-circle in some suburban home, sipping mojitos in tiaras and feather boas, as one of our own shows us toys promising enhancement of our love lives. Hooray for women who know what makes them happy in bed. Hooray for women who share their insights with friends!

Well, except for those who give us a little too much information. We do not want to hear where you are putting those things. Really. Trust me. Don't share any information about your favorite orifice, and for the love of all things kinky, this is not the time to tell everyone in the room that you're looking for other swingers. However, I trust that we ladies can maintain our own standards of decency; we do not need the government regulating our pleasure, no matter how threatening the phallus may seem.

So tell me, Mississippi, why is it "safer" for me to buy these devices in my home rather than a store? Have you been to a sex shop and seen the "adult entertainment" industry's portrayal of sex? Batteries and purple plastic should be the least of our worries. Second, it's not as if sex shops are reticent about what they sell. My kid has no business anywhere near one of those shops whether they sell vibrators or not.

Since these items were created to cure "hysteria" (which comes from the Greek word meaning "suffering uterus") in women, does the state believe that we are no longer hysterical? The crisis of the crazy women with the cranky uteri has passed? If so, thanks for the vote of confidence, but I think our penis-clad female bonding rituals might leave some unconvinced. Sears once sold vibrators, and men were urged to buy them to keep their wives young and pretty. Don't we still like our girls young and pretty in the South? Shouldn't we be handing out these "marital aids" like Bell's Best cookbooks?

Of course, even under the most draconian laws, women always have the option of stopping by a Brookstone for a "neck massager." We all know that women aren't applying these to necks, so why don't we go ahead and make them pink, fluffy and woman-friendly? Why can't we let go of our fear of orgasmic women? Men will pay to look at them, so why can't they welcome them into their beds? It's time for us to tell the warning, wedding-day moms that sex is one of God's gifts, and if they find it a pain in the ass, well, they're doing it wrong. I'm just saying.

Previous Comments

ID

84610

Comment

OMG! I just stumbled across this! Brilliant! Speaking of which, how many of those burley hunting type men are able to hunt down a deer with their bare hands? I'm just saying... ;-)

Author

pikersam

Date

2006-12-28T17:35:44-06:00

ID

84611

Comment

Oh Pikersam! Just stumbling across THIS. Regarding the burley hunting type men able to hunt deer with bare hands? Have these claims been substantiated? Aren't they just the ones that got away? I've seen Mississippi Outdoors you know ;) Hate I missed this banter.....

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-03-11T22:50:11-06:00

ID

84612

Comment

Emily: Protecting our children is the feigned premise for the 3D-objects-not-sold-in-stores, but this does not stop us from selling porn magazines, which my children can see peaking out from behind the plastic wrap at Border’s. Philip: Would that cover MTV and most of cable tv as well? and how about trash talking in the boy's locker room and bathroom too? One line the Libertarian Party had on one of their quiz pages several years back was just brilliant: If you can't trust government to comptently regulate the economy, then should you really trust it to nationalize the functions of The Church??

Author

Philip

Date

2007-03-12T00:17:30-06:00

ID

84613

Comment

Nope. It wouldn't cover MTV, the boy's or girl's locker rooms, print ads, billboards or any other overabundance of the sexualization of the tweenage market. That's a whoooollleee other piece or three. Frontline did an incredible show on the tweenagers, the MTV (and other networks) marketing strategy and the shows/ things pitched to the hypersexualized girl image and the bonehead boy image. Thing "My Sweet Sixteen" and "Jackass." Then go to Comedy Central's "The Man Show" and the other network's "Bridezillas." Don't get me started.... And then the gov't funding of "Purity Balls" under the guise of "faith-based initiatives" or even "absitenence education" where the dad reclaims the ownership of his daughter's sexuality. Not sure who owns the boy's sexuality; I'm assuming our culture still leaves it in the hands of "they just can't help themselves" because we need the dad's to protect our daughters from the uncontrollable teen male.

Author

emilyb

Date

2007-03-12T02:34:27-06:00

ID

84614

Comment

Sounds like its the members of the Missisippi Supreme Court who have one of these vibrators stuck up their ***. When is someone going to show enough leadership to bring Mississippi out of the Dark Ages?

Author

bill hauswirth

Date

2007-08-17T15:46:00-06:00

ID

84615

Comment

repression invariably leads to oppression.

Author

Willezurmacht

Date

2007-08-17T16:12:48-06:00