Jackson Free Press

As the JFP goes to press, the city is awash in rumors about what is going to happen next to Mayor Frank Melton and friends. Some are more credible than others. If you're the bettin'-startin'-an-office-pool type, here are some cheeky options:

1. Melton will resign and move home to Texas to be a house-husband for his pediatrician wife, Ellen. Police Chief Shirlene Anderson will go, too, in case he needs help doing the dishes.

2. One of the agencies investigating Melton will offer him a deal: resign or go to jail. Once he resigns, he and "consultant" Bob Hickingbottom start a campaign to trash the reputations of every single one of his detractors. He then mounts a campaign for governor in 2007 with the slogan, "Crime is on the way!"

3. If Melton goes, his stunt double Frank Bluntson will have nothing to do on council and will also resign. This time, he will not go to work for the district attorney as a bad-check investigator in exchange for not being prosecuted.

4. Melton and the lawn crew start a rap group called Da Real Wood Street Playas.

5. Melton and his bodyguards snatch the Mobile Command Center and start going from RV park to RV park across American looking for illegal contraband. They travel only at night, blogging about their progress for FOX Online.

6. Melton moves in with Kenneth Stokes, and they start a chapter of the By Any Means Necessary: We Don't Like You, We Bust You Up Foundation.

7. Melton is convicted of several felonies. While in Parchman, he starts a TV station, TV-15-to-LIFE. He also becomes a Black Muslim and pens "The Autobiography of Rasheed F.M."

Previous Comments

ID

66815

Comment

Bump. Y'all don't miss this little "cheeky" break. Feel feel to add your own predictions. ;-)

Author

DonnaLadd

Date

2006-09-13T19:26:30-06:00

ID

66816

Comment

Mayor Meltdown is convicted of several felonies. While in Parchman, he decides all of the other inmates "need a hug," and regrets this decision deeply when his intentions are mistaken.

Author

Tim Kynerd

Date

2006-09-13T19:30:16-06:00

ID

66817

Comment

This is great. Y'all know I'm a sucker for comedy. Number 2 is probably my favorite. I'll see if I can come up with some more.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-09-14T10:40:25-06:00

ID

66818

Comment

Upon learning of his impending arrest, Mayor Frank Melton grabs his trusty sledgehammer, jumps into his beloved mobile command center, races to Hawkins Field, steals a helicopter, flies it into City Hall, and bails out just seconds before it crashes. Losing his grasp on the sledgehammer--as he free falls to earth, Melton is later found (by Donna Ladd) lying next to the rubble of City Hall--knocked unconscious by his own sledgehammer.

Author

blu_n_a_redstate

Date

2006-09-14T11:43:58-06:00

ID

66819

Comment

Melton loses patience again and tries to drive a bulldozer into the King Edward. He is last seen babbling incoherently as he is sped off to parts unknown in the Mobile Command Unit.

Author

tombarnes

Date

2006-09-14T12:08:58-06:00

ID

66820

Comment

Frank resigns. Recio and Wright are fired, realized they are desperately in love with one another and move to Massachusetts. Frank creams himself.

Author

Lori G

Date

2006-09-14T12:37:12-06:00

ID

66821

Comment

I'm hearing that the Bush administration was closely watching Melton to see whether he would have any impact on stopping crime in a largely balck city by black males. Although not impressed by any numbers they studied or reviewed, they were impressed by his vigilance and persistence to not give up and do things his way. It looks like Frank had made promises beyond us here in Jackson. Consequently, he's considered the front runner for a newly created or reactivated position called the Crime and Drug Cynosure. I hear this was Mr. Bush's personal idea and offer. Perhaps they are friends from way, way back. I'm just reporting what I hear. Any errors in transmission or in use of words should be blamed on Mr. Bush or the White House.

Author

Ray Carter

Date

2006-09-14T13:50:01-06:00

ID

66822

Comment

Funny article! Sounds very Ken Stiggers-ish. :-) Here's one for you: Melton, frustrated with the U.S. justice system, purchases an island in the South Pacific in order to start his own country. With a motto of "No Man's Gonna Tell Me What To Do", He names the newly created republic No Man's Land. Of course, the emblem on the flag resembles a cowboy hat.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-09-15T09:31:24-06:00

ID

66823

Comment

Melton is elected Mayor of Brandon, where he employs the same crime fighting tactics there that he's used in Jackson. He is summarily stoned to death by outraged citizens, while citizens of Jackson write letters to the CL in support of his activities, declaring him merely "misunderstood."

Author

kate

Date

2006-09-15T10:32:09-06:00

ID

66824

Comment

Here's a Part Two to my earlier post: After Melton's exile from the U.S., authorities discovered that the "Bottom Line" segments contained subliminal messages such as BOW DOWN TO ME and KING OF THE WORLD. Deprogramming sessions for the Jackson area, headed by the American Psychological Association, will be scheduled monthly for the next 30 years.

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-09-15T10:48:07-06:00

ID

66825

Comment

LW, I'm grossing myself out with this one, but wouldn't he name his island paradise Neverland? Or how about: Melton buys Michael Jackson's estate, lives out his life with McCreery, Blunston, Stokes, et al.

Author

kate

Date

2006-09-15T11:18:33-06:00

ID

66826

Comment

LW, I'm grossing myself out with this one, but wouldn't he name his island paradise Neverland? Or how about: Melton buys Michael Jackson's estate, lives out his life with McCreery, Blunston, Stokes, et al. Just saw this. Kate, I tried to think of a snappy comback, but I can't. You got me. :-)

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-09-16T20:45:08-06:00

ID

66827

Comment

comback = comeback Putting on my glasses now...

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-09-16T20:45:46-06:00

ID

66828

Comment

When you drive by the Krystal's Hamburgers on N State street, you see Melton, Danks, and Evers inside every morning talking "the good old days" when they were in charge.

Author

lance

Date

2006-09-16T20:49:52-06:00

ID

66829

Comment

I think you got the name of the island wrong. It'd be Parasite Island....

Author

Ironghost

Date

2006-09-16T21:01:41-06:00

ID

66830

Comment

When you drive by the Krystal's Hamburgers on N State street, you see Melton, Danks, and Evers inside every morning talking "the good old days" when they were in charge. I heard about another group of people who often speak of the "good old days", and based on what they say was "good", I'm glad I wasn't born yet. Unfortunately, I get to be around for this round. Where's the Advil?

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-09-16T21:04:44-06:00

ID

66831

Comment

I think you got the name of the island wrong. It'd be Parasite Island.... Well, Kate, there's a snappy comeback thanks to Ironghost. :-)

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-09-16T21:17:42-06:00