Jackson Free Press

Chef "low-fat" Meat: "Distinguished members of The Illumi-nappy-headed, I'm honored to be a guest speaker for the 'What's Happenin' Now Conspiracy Convention.'

"I'm here to share with you a discourse of probability relating to food contamination. A revelation came to me after watching an evening news report about contaminated spinach. Immediately, I remembered Rev. Vegan of the Greater Vegetarian Church referring to the Mad Cow scare.

He said, 'If something is wrong with the cow, what about the milk?' This statement inspired me to develop my own 'connect-the-dots' method of deductive reasoning called the 'Popeye Contamination Conspiracy Theory,' based on cartoon characters from 'Popeye,' the long-running comic strip, animated film and television series.

"First, I reasoned that Wimpy, the hamburger-eating character, functioned as a subliminal reference to 'mad cow' outbreaks within the past 26 years. I bet you all are thinking that my deduction gives new meaning to the term 'mystery meat.'

"Second, I associated Popeye with the recent E. coli outbreak found in spinach. Remember how we connected his strength to that green, leafy vegetable? I wonder how salad eaters feel about this?

"And if my 'Popeye Contamination Conspiracy Theory' is correct, the next food item headed for possible contamination is 'olive oil.'

"Yes, this type of conspiracy theory should make a person say, 'Hmmm?' Just watch what you eat, because our lives are like boxes of chocolates: We never know what we're gonna get. Oops! I feel another conspiracy theory coming on."

Previous Comments

ID

73616

Comment

I just about DIED when I heard about the tainted spinach. I love spinach salad, and I did not intend to buy bagged spinach any more since it seemed to spoil faster. However, when the alert was changed to include ALL fresh spinach, I was crestfallen. I'm glad that the problem has been narrowed down to just spinach from certain farms in California, but I'm going to wait a while longer before I touch fresh spinach again. Romaine lettuce, here I come!

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2006-09-28T11:37:34-06:00

ID

73617

Comment

"Illumi-nappy-headed" absolutely cracked me up when I read it. Awesome stuff.

Author

Darren Schwindaman

Date

2006-10-07T09:33:59-06:00