Jackson Free Press

Cootie McBride: "Greetings! I'm here to represent the members of the Ghetto Science Team's Pet Owners Consortium. My clients and I have filed a class action suit against companies who make and sell contaminated and/or poisonous pet food. I was compelled to act immediately after Sista Church Hat, owner of a dog named Alonso, said this alarming phrase to me: 'Pets have dropped dead like raining cats and dogs!'

"Now imagine dying cats, flat on their backs meowing and moaning 'all night long,' a line from that Lionel Richie song. And I know that every dog has its day, but do they have to howl during the wee hours of the night? Unknowingly, folk feed these poisonous treats and snacks to their beloved pets; then hours later some symphonies of sick animals serenade the neighborhood.

"This contaminated pet food crisis reminds me of a scene from one of the 'Planet of the Apes' movie series. Sci-Fi movie fans might remember a talking ape telling a human that pets like birds, cats, dogs, etc., had died off and became extinct. The apes survived.

"This trend of contaminated food supplies is scary. Humans and animals will truly epitomize the phrase 'You are what you eat.' And what you will be is either sick or extinct. So, if your kitty, doggie or birdie becomes ill or dies of contaminated pet food, call the Cootie McBride Keep the Pets Alive Class Action Suit hotline at 1-800-DEAD-PET."