Jackson Free Press

Bart Starr-Child: "Welcome to the fourth annual low-power television broadcast of the Tour de Ghetto bicycle race. I'm Bart, your token Caucasian announcer for the Ghetto Science Team Sports Network. Providing the colored commentary is Ike "On a Bike" of Village Ghetto Land Tours and Courier Services.

"Who are the top contenders for this year's race, Ike?"

Ike On a Bike : "Bart, I'm going with Nurse Tootie McBride (as the Bionic Woman), Brother Nite Rider (as Stealth Unknown), Momma Church Hat (as Lady Speed Racer) and last year's surprise winner, 'Old Man' Crunchie (as Poppa Wheelie)."

Bart Starr-Child: "Let's get an aerial view of the race from Auntie Church Hat inside the Praise-the-Lord-O-Copter".

Auntie Church Hat: "Three of Ike's four chosen cyclists have bypassed the late afternoon police road block and are en route to the pothole-ridden Funky Ghetto Mall. "Wait! 'Poppa Wheelie' is taking the lead, riding a wheelie while dodging potholes and speed bumps! As the cyclists approach JoJo's Discount Dollar Store, from out of nowhere, Stealth Unknown passes the Bionic Woman and Lady Speed Racer!"

Ike On a Bike: "What a comeback by the Bionic Woman, as she passes Stealth Unknown! It's a tie between Nurse Tootie and 'Old Man' Crunchie!"

Bart Starr-Child: "A percentage of the cyclists' winnings will go to the Cootie McBride Legal Defense Fund for Poor Folk Who Cannot Afford a Good Lawyer and Victims of Outsourcing and Price Gouging Support Groups of America."