Jackson Free Press

Conversations with my two best girlfriends occur while we wait in the drive-thru line for a Diet Coke, during our new baby girl's nap time (we have an 8-month-old in our mix now) or when we are rushing through our grocery shopping. We have accepted this reality, as we are now all older than 28, and have also submitted to the sad fact that our once-profound wisdom has been simplified into Forrest Gump-isms: Life is like a box of chocolates, and sometimes there is sh*t in them.

Our minds—formerly filled with deep and stimulating information for hours of sparkling dinner-party conversations—mostly contain information about children, be they our own offspring or those in our classrooms. We know nap and feeding times, we remain available at all times for our students who may need emotional or academic help, and we know, I swear we do, that we need to get to the grocery store because I'm sure we are out of something.

In days long ago, we discussed our relationships and spirituality; we shared our personal growth and personal setbacks. Now, my friend (let's call her "Stacy") tells me: "You know what? Grandma said to stay away from mean folk. I think that's what we should do with this particular man." I have to admit, it's much better than the hours of analyzing what childhood trauma could have made said man a psychosumb*tch and making excuses for jerk behavior. He's mean; walk away.

Yet we still crave intellectual stimulation. To that end, we have researched and thusly created the "Conversations Women Can Have in Less Than Two Minutes List." We would love for you to add to our findings, as we are merely three women—three mentally exhausted women. However, in recent times, we have discovered that these brief, two-minute discussions have satisfied our minds much more than any of our previous marriages and/or relationships, and we are this close to erecting a red tent. We also are cognizant that we should, in fact, get out more.

Who is Least Crazy?
One of my ex-husbands told me that when he meets a man, his first thought is always, "Can I kick his ass?" I won't tell you where that man is these days, but suffice to say that he discovered there were a few asses he could not kick. I won't even tell you what he thought about women, but I don't think he's getting much experience in that area these days, either.

Anyway, when my friends and I gather, we immediately determine who is the least exhausted, in the least amount of pain (i.e. migraine-free, lack of lower-back pain) and who has the best mental disposition. Is she depressed? No? Good, because the rest of us are. Send that chick out for snacks and a good chick flick.

Why are 11-Year-Olds Built Like Brick Houses?
We're concerned about biotechnology, specifically Similac and its effect on the stock market. If you haven't already, buy stock in corn. At tribulation, our friend Stacy will be loaded, since she bought stock years ago in some company than owns corn and other natural resources. When the government is rationing our food, and we are looking to the heavens for our sweet Jesus to return, Stacy is going to cash out that stock and buy us some good, old-fashioned, black market food—virus and antibiotic free corn. Of course we'll fry it.

The Health of Our Presidential Candidates
Has Hillary hit menopause? If and when she does, can we get notice so we'll understand crying jags and laughter during inappropriate situations? Do any of our male candidates suffer from erectile dysfunction? If so, can we enact the "no-bombing-sh*t-for-him" rule? Do we have a plan intact to keep said frustrated man away from that "nuke them all" button? Perhaps we could set up some ED threat-level alert system akin to that of our scary-color terrorist alert system.

We're on red? He hasn't gotten any in years, and he's in no shape to negotiate with any other man, unless said man is also not getting any. Otherwise, we'll send in the menopausal woman. Hormonal women get things done. We ourselves are a testament to that fact, and we invite any doubters to come on over. Bring snacks, of course, and help us manage the household from toddler to teenager and write some lesson plans, while, in that moment, looking wonderful for our age even if covered in the sweat of a woman who has just run a marathon.

Where is Dick Cheney?
This has been our most persistent, and still unanswered question since Katrina. We're sure he's been cryogenically frozen like Walt Disney and Han Solo, and when we're eating all that corn during the tribulation, he will return in some form. Personally, I hope he returns as a single mother, holding a very hungry child, while voices in his head repeat, "The problems of this world are all your fault."

Between the three of us, we have several bachelor's degrees, two master's degrees and about 40 years of teaching experience. We feel that these qualifications alone should give us license to charge for therapy, especially considering the amount of cash we've put into our own. We have a business plan to enact when we get those credentials. We will open the Red Tent Inn, where frazzled women can come for respite, recuperation and two-minute conversations. Obviously, we lack the credentials we need for that American dream, and until then, we will continue our practice informally and without the exchange of money. At least until tribulation, when we'll invite you to the Red Tent Inn End-of-the-World special.

"Come on over y'all; we have antidepressants and corn."

Previous Comments

ID

76046

Comment

“Come on over y’all; we have antidepressants and corn.” Hmm, hot buttery corn on the cob with a side of Remeron. How appetizing. :-P

Author

LatashaWillis

Date

2008-02-06T23:34:21-06:00

ID

76047

Comment

I never learned much about tribulation in sunday school at St James, but the definition I just read convinces me that it must go hand in hand with the apocalypse. An apocalypse that masses are growing more and more sure of, what with the peak of oil and our collective conviction that excess is better no matter the cost. Be the cost an overtaxed environment, or an overtaxing of our beloved caretakers (like you and your pals) to me much of it results from the same demons. Yet salvation is in sight! At a youthful, child-free 25, with time still to bother worrying about such things, I was relieved to read about fungus, the mind behind mother nature, in a fascinating interview with Paul Stamets in this months Sun Magazine. The link is just to a section of the article, and neglects to share the juicy stuff. So to fill you in without taking too much time away from the hearts and minds in your care, I'll do a reduction: mycoremediation= fungus breaks the toxic into non-toxic. It eats pollution and radioactivity. Its got the whole world world in its hands. Not that we probably wont still need that corn, the fungus is more concerned with the earth surviving than human survival. So its not really like the fungus is going to save you from tribulation, but it might make the earth inhabitable for the beings currently benefiting from your self sacrifice. See you in the tent. I'll bring some mushrooms.

Author

Kat

Date

2008-02-07T01:00:41-06:00

ID

76048

Comment

Corn and mushrooms... I guess we'll all be vegetarians by then huh? I'm gonna need some bacon in there somewhere.

Author

music chick

Date

2008-02-07T08:37:52-06:00

ID

76049

Comment

I really like the idea of "Who is Least Crazy". That's a great plan. Today I could not win the honor of least crazy cause I am WAY crazy. Yes - I have meds but I think I need to up my dosage. Eating bad (i.e., tasty) stuff for me doesn't help either.

Author

sharon

Date

2008-02-07T10:16:10-06:00

ID

76050

Comment

We welcome the fungus. Have you seen "The Future of Food"? That got us thinking about the corn. And thank you for the mention of overtaxed caretakers. All of my therapist friends tell me I have every right to be crazy. In fact, I'd truly be crazy if I weren't human enough to admit how it's TOO MUCH sometimes :) Of course there will be bacon. Since I've decided to be the Suzanne Sugarbaker of my graduating class, I've been meaning to pick me up a good pig somewhere. I'll take my pig to the McDonald's drive through and buy her a crown and tutu. Well, until tribulation.

Author

emilyb

Date

2008-02-07T19:15:35-06:00

ID

76051

Comment

Right now, Em, I think I'm holding the title of "less crazy". 2006? Not so much. I think you pulled me through that year.

Author

Lori G

Date

2008-02-08T07:29:23-06:00

ID

76052

Comment

If I may present a man's point of view, please allow to answer one question: Who is Least Crazy? This one's easy: anyone not named Britney Spears.

Author

golden eagle

Date

2008-02-08T09:30:08-06:00

ID

76053

Comment

Britney definately needs a stay at the red tent. We pray for her.

Author

emilyb

Date

2008-02-08T09:31:51-06:00