Jackson Free Press

For the past three months I've been stuck inside the four walls of my house, braving this new-fangled "southern winter" we're experiencing, and I am bored. I'm dying in here. I've clung to the fact that the St. Paddy's Parade is only a few days away. I know that, on that day, everyone will once again leave their homes—suspiciously tan—dressed in anything but dull winter clothes. I crave this day every year. The day after the parade? Not so much.

The next day usually involves a headache, a stomach fluttering I lovingly refer to as "the barfies," and quite a few thoughts of self-hatred. I can't help you with the self-hatred, but I do have a few ideas I've collected over the years to combat the headache and "the barfies."

Frequently, upon awaking after imbibing too much, I immediately decide that two ibuprofen and a cup of coffee are going to clear this thing right up. I am generally wrong, but I consider these two staples the first line of defense. I then typically decide I need to lie on the couch for at least an hour because "taking all that medicine" wore me out. If one solid hour passes, and I still am wishing for death, it is necessary to take stronger measures.

The second line of defense involves a large serving of biscuits and gravy, or really any kind of heavy grease. The hangover needs grease—lots of it. Then it needs a nap and at least one phone call to another individual to complain about how it is the devil and needs to go back to hell.

If after these two remedies the hangover is still getting the best of you, there is only one remaining choice: more liquor. I prefer mine in the form of a Bloody Mary, but you can pretty much use whatever is still lying around from the night before.

One thing I have learned in the case of hangovers: A primary defense is much more effective than a tertiary defense. When you are drinking, drink lots of water in between drinks. Then, take the two ibuprofen before you go to bed. Beyond that, I have a feeling that most of the parade goers are experienced in the art of soothing their "After Paddy's Day Pains." After all, this thing's been around practically forever now.