Jackson Free Press

Follow this St. Paddy's Parade Schedule for the most awesome day possible (compiled from various parade experts):

7 a.m. Rise and shine! First beer/mimosa/bloody mary/screwdriver/drink of choice. Donuts are a good breakfast food in this instance.

7:30 a.m. Head over to a house party. There are many house parties, so don't be shy; make new friends if their party is cooler.

11 a.m. If you are awesome enough to be in the parade, head downtown to line up with the floats. Drinking will continue. If you are watching the parade, the sooner you head downtown, the better chance you have of getting a good spectating/bead-grabbing spot somewhere on Capitol Street. Speaking of parking, good luck finding a spot. This is one of the few times a year when people are rushing to a downtown that is only prepared to handle 100 automobiles. Walk if you can; otherwise, try parking near the Capitol. Don't forget your cooler on wheels.

Noon: Parade starts! Watch out for the Kudzu Krewe!

12:05 p.m. You have a sudden, overwhelming urge to use the restroom and find that no stores are open and there are no port-a-potties anywhere in sight. What do you do? The Jackson Free Press does not openly condone relieving yourself in public, but parade experts might suggest alleys, parking garages and discreet bushes as an alternative.

12:30 p.m. Back at the parade, your primary focus will be to catch beads. There is a tried-and-true method to attracting beads, and it helps if you are a woman. Your secondary focus will be to make sure the kids around you are catching their fair share of beads. So when you are repeatedly exposing your, er, chest, you can say it's for the kids.

2 p.m. The parade is over, but the party is just getting started. Stay downtown for the Hal & Mal's street party, or head over to Fenian's Irish Pub for an authentic Irish drink-fest.

7 p.m. You might find yourself napping (i.e. passed out) and living out that strange song: "This is not my beautiful house. ... This is not my beautiful wife." But not to worry, the party isn't over. Make your way to Hal & Mal's restaurant or any of the clubs near by to get your dance on.

11 p.m. Don't drink and drive. Call a cab when you are ready to go home. The next morning's hangover should rate somewhere between eight and 11 for it to be considered a successful St. Paddy's.