[Gregory] Vetting Sarah | Jackson Free Press | Jackson, MS

[Gregory] Vetting Sarah

Last week when McCain announced his candidate for Vice President I—like many other people in America—asked myself, "Sarah who?" I tuned in to the Republican National Convention just to hear her speak. I joined the other 39 million Americans who had no idea who she was, where she came from, and why she so strikingly resembled a Delta Airlines flight attendant.

I assumed McCain selected her to procure some of the undecided Hillary voters. How perfectly male it was for him to suppose that vaginas automatically pick other vaginas. I'm not saying we vaginas don't stick together; I'm just saying that someone really needs to explain to the right wingers that we don't actually think with our vaginas.

Then I heard Sarah Palin speak and realized there was much more afoot than met the eye. Sarah Palin's conservative views are scarier than Mike Huckabee's family portraits. Since she addressed no real policy issues in her well-delivered speech, I became completely enthralled by the long list of her personal issues quickly filling the blogosphere with the opinions of righteously indignant Democrats (my favorite kind).

People began talking about how she wasn't "vetted" properly and how McCain's "maverick" ideals were showing. I think McCain's choice in Palin shows that he is no "maverick" at all. If he were a true maverick, he might have gone with Lieberman. Instead, he clung to the Republican Party line attempting to rally the Christian base and went further right than James Dobson.

I'll admit, I didn't know what "vetted" meant until last Tuesday. The third Webster's entry defined it as "to make a careful check of (a person or document) for suitability." Palin hadn't been checked for "suitability"? Were they talking about her political platforms or her family? At this point, her platforms scare me more than her family.

A few of these include believing creationism should be taught in public schools, complete support of abstinence-only education programs, and strict pro-life beliefs that don't make exceptions in cases of rape or incest. Nothing like some wedge issues to rally the evangelical base, right? The only other thing she consistently mentions is energy policy. Her policy sounds simple: "drill." Her family drama—while less scary—is more complicated. When superimposed over her beliefs, it becomes downright confusing.

Palin has more wedge issues contained within the members of her family than I've seen listed in Talking Points on Bill O'Reilly. She has a son going to Iraq. She has a special- needs child she "chose to have." She has an unwed pregnant seventeen-year-old daughter. All she needs is a homosexual sex scandal, and she'd have this whole Republican thing completely buttoned up.

She's no "change." She's just a lascivious as the rest of them. I guess one thing the Republicans figured out after the last administration is that it's better to empty the skeletons out of the closet all at one time. This is OK by me. It saves me several long and drawn out months of being forced to watch the McCain's campaign come up with new and creative ways to defend out-of-wedlock pregnancies and a candidate's "right to privacy." Although, I will admit that is true entertainment.

Since it doesn't seem the Republicans "vetted" her enough, and she's now refusing to be "vetted" by the media, I'd like to do a little vetting of my own. These are actual quotes of Sarah Palin's answering a few of my previous and hastily concocted hot button questions and might provide a little insight into why she isn't yet prepared to be "vetted" by the American media. After all, there are only about 60 days left in this election, and we could all use some extra information.

Me: So, your daughter is pregnant. How did that happen?

SP:"Explicit sex education programs will not find my support."

Well, that makes a lot of sense. I bet if your daughter had a full knowledge of her body and reproductive organs she might be able to control when they produce things.

Me: So, I've heard you're militant pro-life?

SP:"I'd oppose (abortion) even if my own daughter was raped."

What if she was just 17, ignorant and dating a self-proclaimed "f**kin' redneck"?

Me: How do you feel about the Iraq War?

SP:"Pray … that our leaders are sending (our soldiers) out on a task that is from God. We have to make sure there is a plan and the plan is God's plan."

George? Is that you, George?

Me: How do you feel about the death penalty?

SP:"If the Legislature were to pass a bill that established a death penalty on adults who murder children, I would sign it."

Me: Just for clarification, what were your beliefs on abortion again?

SP:"I believe that no matter what mistakes we make as a society, we cannot condone ending a life."

Thank you, Captain Consistency. I feel those five questions are enough vetting for me. I'm going to have to give this one a thumbs-down. I really wanted a viable woman candidate this year. Instead, we got Hillary and this flawed Hillary foil with her sassy mouth, oppressive views and flirtatious speeches. I think it might be the only time in history we see buttons reading "Hot Chick for VP." Women fought long and hard for that button to end up in a presidential election, don't you think?

Beyond that, want to know the part that really chaps my butt about McCain deciding to share the ticket with Palin? We're still stuck with Haley.

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