Jackson Free Press

Mr. Announcement: "From the producers of the hit reality TV series 'Ghetto's Most Craziest Videos' is a new television show for economically challenged individuals seeking to justify using force to achieve peace and security within their own living space. Brace yourselves for 30 minutes of raw action on 'Beatdown's Greatest Hits,' hosted by filmmaker Kunta 'Rahsheed X' Toby."

Kunta 'Rahsheed X' Toby: "All the greedy people who coerced and scammed the poor and middle classes into extreme poverty will encounter a very rude awakening: Desperate, angry people want to take back their dignity and financial stability—by any means necessary. The war on poverty, loss of property and possession has just begun on 'Beatdown's Greatest Hits.'

"Trained volunteer videographers with outdated consumer mini-DV camcorders will record some of the most shocking beatdowns seen on reality television. Watch those who perpetrate dastardly crimes become victims of justified assaults via purses, wooden and aluminum bats, billy clubs and leather belts.

"The urban spread has reached epidemic proportions. The president and Congress need to move as quickly as they can with the stimulus package, or else our Beatdown cameras will be live and on the scene recording some rich person beating down a middle-class burglar.

"Remember: There's no hiding place for criminal acts on 'Beatdown's Greatest Hits,' the show where bumps and bruises on the perpetrator equals justice for the violated man or woman.