Jackson Free Press

Sista Encouragement: "Live from the Ghetto Science Team radio studio is "Positively News!" I'm your upbeat news anchor providing you with good news you can use!

"In local news, the Praise Patrol Crime Prevention Unit's first-quarter statistics show that home and car burglaries have gone down 25 percent. Violent crimes declined slightly to 5 percent. Sista Church Hat of the Praise Patrol attributes the decrease in crime to the development of a daily neighborhood prayer vigil, rebuke and beatdown revival at Rev. Cletus' Car Sales Church.

"In national news, talk-radio host Rush 'Linebacker' Limbaugh and GOP Chairman Michael 'Standing' Steele made a truce after their weeklong feud. The men ended their beef by giving each other the pound handshake, made popular by the president and first lady.

"Sports heated up this week as athletes ended their use of steroid and other performance-enhancing drugs that made their heads swell like a waterlogged chicken nugget.

"It seems as if the cold front of negativity, fear and doubt is leaving the masses. A warm front of confidence, cooperation, tolerance and acceptance of change is about to sweep the nation. The sunrise will soon greet the unemployed working class again; foreclosed homeowners will get another chance; children will receive a better education; and sick people will be able to afford medical care.

"And don't forget the career fair, barbecue, and post-stimulus package afterparty and disco at the Clubb Chicken Wing Multi-Purpose Complex. Big Roscoe said this event will be on like a stimulated economy!