Jackson Free Press

If you walk into a restaurant sometime this week and the soupe du jour is "a bowl of swine flu," order it up. Appreciate their good humor. If you die, hey, you died havin' a laugh.

Imagine being sentenced to 10 years in prison and then being informed you'll be serving in a prison constructed of Legos. Then you break out and feel like the strongest man in the world.

I wish the game, "Halo" was real, except you don't really die when a blue grenade attaches to your armor and you don't lose your girlfriend because you play 4 hours a day.

Bumper sticker idea: "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Whitlow."

Bumper sticker idea: "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Ditto."

Bumper sticker idea: "Don't Blame Me, I Voted Four Times Because the Voter ID Bill Failed and I Know How To Game The System."

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Speaking of prison, I hope Dickie Scruggs has learned a valuable lesson: When you have a billion dollars, spend it like its contaminated with swine flu. Scruggs was heralded as an admirable humanitarian and Mississippian for donating truck loads of cash to various charities and for basically giving a blank check to Ole Miss. Whoop-ti-do. So cliche. And where did this lead him? JAIL.
I think all Mississippians would have appreciated a free Elton John concert in the Grove a lot more.
"Elton, it's Dickie. I know you've never heard of me but I've got two million dollars guaranteeing you'll love me."
Sir Elton:"May I fly in your jet?"
Case closed. The media watchdogs and the populists, with their watch dogs in the bed of their pick-ups, would have been a little sympathetic to Scruggs had he constructed the world's largest space jump. Maximum capacity: 3, 943.
Instead music halls are renamed and the political contribution tabs run up, all while poor ole' Mississippians are left without a free amusement park.
If you are rich, do something cool. Sure, rappers build neat-o mansions after they record a hit song, but then 15 minutes elapse and the house has a for-sale sign out front. See: MC Hammer
But if you are mega-rich, as in wealthy, put your money to good use. Hire a landscaping firm to design a 100-acre hedge maze. Build an island in the Caribbean and start your own government. Recreate the entire city of Springfield from "The Simpsons." Assemble a team of bad-to-the-bone ex-marines and obliterate the country of Somalia while filming it in the process. The Fox Broadcasting Company would purchase the rights.
Richard Branson already flies around the world in hot-air-ballons made out of dinosaur eggs and kryptonite; all for gits and shiggles. Follow his lead.
(Warning: Do not literally follow Richard Branson in his lead. He usually crashes.)
Perhaps you have more creative ideas. Please tell me. Because when I make my first billion, I am going to stimulate the economy like a boss. And, I'll need your help.