Jackson Free Press

Mr. Announcement: "This is your Operation Corporate Backlash Crime Watch Report News Brief, brought to you by the Association of Gated Communities and the My Dog Bites Booty Home Security Pre-emptive Strike Security System. The MDBB system comes complete with vicious pre-emptive strike attack dog, 'My Dog Bites Booty' warning sign and complimentary Dick Cheney autographed double-barrel shotgun (just in case the strike dog does not strike).

"The Crime Watch Report News Brief is your source for information on suspicious individuals and activities in desirable suburban communities. Here's your Crime Watch News Brief reporter, I. M. Scared."

I.M. Scared: "In today's Crime Watch News, the Cootie Creek County board of directors unanimously passed the 'Get out of Town by Sundown' curfew law. This law enables law enforcement officers and security personnel to deter possible criminal activity by enforcing a curfew time (preferably sundown) for individuals who live outside of Cootie Creek County.

"The law requires domestic workers, gardeners and other service staff from crime-ridden urban areas to show proper identification before entering Cootie Creek County during the day. After sundown, 'outsiders' must 'get out of town.' Failure to obey the curfew law will result in arrest, severe beat down or suspended work privileges.

"'We had to pass this law to maintain law and order within the boundaries of our safe and desirable community,' said an anonymous Cootie Creek County board member.

"This has been your Crime Watch News Brief for today. Remember: Be careful out there."