Jackson Free Press

This week is Halloween, and I feel the need to shed light on a potential danger that our government is not discussing. Of all the great things President Barack Obama has done, he has yet to address the potential danger of the coming Zombie Apocalypse.

I know it sounds crazy that our government doesn't have a highly publicized plan (the Centers for Disease Control have one), but it is true. As Americans, we are protected from nearly every conceivable threat, but not the threat of the dead rising up and wanting to eat our brains.

Brains are the tastiest thing a zombie can sink its teeth into, and this is something everyone has to worry about. Well, everyone but me. (Have you read my articles? Brains aren't the first thing that comes to, er ... mind.)

To bring this back to sports before my editor wonders where my brain has gone, to survive a Zombie Apocalypse, you need a game plan. Much like your favorite football team, you have to come to this situation knowing how you are going to get out.

This is where I come in. This week, instead of ranting madly on sports, I am going to give you my Zombie Apocalypse game plan. Much of it has been discussed with my mom over time.

First up, you must have a zombie escape plan. In real life, I have a zombie escape plan for every place I happen to be in. Ask my wife, Lacey, if you don't believe me.

Every zombie movie starts with no one having a clue about what is going to happen. This means no matter where you are located at any given time, you must have a zombie escape plan in place.

The JFP tower is a terrible place for a zombie-escape plan. One long narrow hallway to doors on both ends, and it is above the first story, which makes the windows nearly unusable. If you are faced with a situation like this, be sure to remember that anything and everything must be used as a weapon. Even the editor-in-chief's prize State cowbell.

Once you get out the doors, you will want to find your family. Great idea. The more survivors you can find around, the better. You'll find safety in numbers, and you can use other people for escape purposes. My mom and I want to keep my dad around us if there is a zombie outbreak. He is a man of large proportions (yeah, that is the way to put it), so if he slips and falls, he will hold off the zombies for a while.

I know this sounds wrong, but this is the freaking Zombie Apocalypse, and surviving is the No. 1 goal. I tell Lacey all the time, "Some people might have to get eaten to ensure my survival, and that includes you." Her need to wear high heels in every situation makes this relevant.

Now that you hooked up with a group of survivors (escape helpers, aka zombie food) and everyone's looking for escape routes wherever you go, you need protection. Guns are great but have major drawbacks. Ever notice how guns run out of bullets at the most inconvenient times in zombie movies? There you'll be, surrounded by zombies, and you just keep hearing a clicking sound. Guns have to be reloaded, too, and when you're panicking because the zombies are closing in, it never fails: You will drop your bullets and get eaten.

Finally, guns make a ton of noise and draw attention to you.

Your best bet is to find a sporting-goods store and load up on silent weapons. Baseball bats are great. Those new aluminum bats tend to bend after about 100 or so hits, so carry a couple. Wood bats can break at any time, but then you have a stabbing weapon. Golf clubs used to be great, but these new hybrid graphite clubs break way too easily. Go with a hockey stick instead.

A sporting goods store will also have bows and arrows. Remember to reclaim your arrows after shooting them. It is the most common rookie zombie survivor mistake.

Now, find protection. (No. Now is not the time to start repopulating the earth.) Get a batting helmet or football helmet to protect that juicy brain from zombies. Also, get plenty of padding to protect your arms and legs from zombie bites.

If you don't find a sporting goods store, a hardware store may work.

Finally, find somewhere safe and stay there. Don't travel around looking for people or other survivors. This only gets you eaten. Find a place that is defensible, and bring plenty of food and water. Just sit the situation out from there. One thing people forget is that zombies are already dead and will eventually rot away.

Let no one into your "safety bunker" who has been bitten. That always ends up with everyone, including you, in your safe place getting eaten.

Stick to this game plan. It will keep you safe and sound. Most importantly, it will keep you alive. That is all that matters.