Jackson Free Press

The truth about boys is that they are not the same as girls. They just aren't. And that is not anti-feminist or political in any way; it is a biological fact. I went into parenthood an idealist, thinking that I wanted to buy all neutral-colored clothing and non-gender-specific toys. I was going to raise a child free from the constraints of gender and culture. My kid was not going to wear underwear plastered with pop culture icons. My child would eat all organic food, breathe only pristine mountain air, and would never, not ever, watch television.

My son is my heart. He has taught me a lot since that sunny June morning he came into this world four years ago. I am certainly not exactly the same parent I thought I would be before I actually became one. As I write this, my son is sleeping across the room in Batman pajama bottoms, a Thomas the Tank Engine pajama top and cowboy boots. He is warm under a dinosaur blanket, with a Curious George book nestled between his back and the wall, and our loyal dog is curled up at his feet. Perhaps he fits some male stereotypes, but he is so much more than that. He is an individual with his own personality, his own dreams, his own needs and desires. At the same time, he is all boy, which is something I did not fully understand or even value until I became a Mama to one of these mysterious, magical creatures. The truth is, I am so passionate about boys because I gave birth to one.

From the womb, boys are different from girls. Fetal brain development is very different depending on one's gender. Baby boy brains are soaked in testosterone during their prenatal development, and uniquely male hormonal cocktails continue to surge through the body and brain throughout the lifespan.

Boys are wired differently from girls, and this circuitry does not always mesh well with the way of the world. Boys often engage and connect with the world and its people in a way that is more tactile. Boys are not wired to sit still for long periods of time in an orderly classroom, but to learn through doing and interacting, through getting dirty and learning from their mistakes. At the same time, they are not one-dimensional aggressive grunts without feelings. To raise healthy boys, it is extremely important to give them outlets for their physical energy and curiosity while also holding space for their emotions.

Let me tell you, my mama-bear instincts go into overdrive when I hear anyone tell a little boy to be a man about it and stop crying. Everyone's definition of the ideal man is obviously not the same, but I am raising my son to be a man who is honest and authentic, who is in touch with his feelings and does not repress his true self to fit the expectations of classroom or culture or peers. In my view, a real man has feelings and knows how to share and express them in a healthy way.

Even if you are not a parent or are raising a houseful of girls, how we as a society raise our boys matters deeply. The violence we are exposed to in the media from disaffected young men is not a natural extension of the boys-will-be-boys philosophy. No, I strongly believe that it is a side effect of repressed male emotion and repressed male physicality becoming toxic without a healthy means of expression. We as a society need to seriously revisit how we raise boys and how we educate boys. Here are a few ways to get started.

What Teachers Can Do

• Incorporate hands-on learning into the classroom.

• Encourage friendly competition.

• Read books that are interesting to boys.

• Allow boys opportunities to get up from their desks.

• Spend time outside every day.

• Get dads involved in the classroom.

• Provide access to a variety of learning tools and media.

• Keep busy work to a minimum.

What Parents and Mentors Can Do

• Model effective problem-solving and self-control.

• Splash in mud puddles with your son

• Express your own emotions in a healthy way.

• Help him label and talk about his feelings.

• Be consistent with a few easy-to-remember family rules.

• Provide opportunities for hands-on learning.

• Use logical consequences.

• Run around outside every day.

• Avoid processed food and sugar.

• Limit media exposure of all kinds.

• Read books together and talk about them.

• Help him (and you!) get enough sleep.

• Give him choices and responsibilities.

• Volunteer together.

• Find healthy male role models.

• Create rituals and celebrate rites of passage.

• Encourage creative expression through art, Lego construction, dance or whatever turns him on.

• Let him be his own person.

Books for Parents of Boys

• "Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys," by Stephen James and David Thomas, Tyndale House Publishers, 2009, $14.99

• "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Scribner, 2012, $16.00

• "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys," by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, Ballantine Books, 2000, $15.00

• "What Stories Does my Son Need?" by Michael Gurian, Tarcher, 2000, $11.95

• "The Last Child in the Woods," by Richard Louv, Algonquin Books, 2008, $14.95

• "The Wonder of Boys," by Michael Gurian, Tarcher, 2006, $15.95

Books for Boys

• "The Giving Tree," by Shel Silverstein

• "The Dangerous Book for Boys," by Conn Iggulden and Hal Iggulden, William Morrow, 2012, $12.99

• "Not a Box," by Antoinette Portis, Harper Collins, 2006, $14.99

• "The Phantom Tollbooth," by Norton Juster, Knopf Books, 2011, $24.00

• "Where the Wild Things Are," by Maurice Sendak, Harper Collins, 2012, $17.95